Overload
by bluemoon5
Summary: Got my ideas from the episode of the same title. Nick when he was 9. I'm not good at summaries. Please R & R.
1. Chapter 1

"Ok. There are some people you're supposed to be able to trust, you know? I was 9, and she was a last minute babysitter…. All I can remember doing afterwards is sitting in my room in the dark, staring at the door, waiting for my… mom to get home…. You know I've never told anyone before…. It's what makes a person I guess." Nick, to Catherine, in CSI episode Overload.  
  
  
  
He sat in the darkness and listened. Listened to the slow tick-tick of the clock in the hall, which seemed extremely slow compared to the pounding of his heart. He breathed rhythmically, and waited. He couldn't think, so he just listened and waited. His eyes were dry; he hadn't cried. Even if he wanted to, he didn't think he could. Normal people cried, and he wasn't normal. Not anymore. He was all alone now. All alone. The front door slammed, and he stared at his door, waiting.  
  
Laura Stokes unlocked her front door and walked in followed by 3 girls ages 11, 14, and 15. They had just returned from the girls' dance lesson. Her husband was expected home soon, with Tommy, their oldest boy, who was at a basketball game.  
  
"Nick?" she called for her younger son. She looked in the living room but no one was there. "Nick?" she called again. "Judy?" she called for the sitter. She was luck to have found Judy, a last minute babysitter. At 9, Nick was her youngest, and she didn't like leaving him home alone. But Nick didn't like going to his sister's dance lessons either, so they always got a sitter.  
  
"Nick?" She knocked on his door, but there was no response. Thinking he must be asleep, she opened the door. From the light from the hallway, she could see him sitting up in bed.  
  
She flipped on the light. "Nick, didn't you hear me calling? Where's…." she trailed off. Something was wrong. Her son was sitting with his legs drawn up to his chest, hugging his knees. He was staring blankly at the doorway, not really seeing his mother. Laura rushed to his side. "Nick, sweetie, what's wrong?" She felt his forehead, but he didn't seem to have a fever. "Nick? Can you hear me?"  
  
Nick slowly turned his head to look at his mother, but he didn't speak. His eyes seemed to be pleading with her, but she didn't know what to do. Her 11 year old daughter, Cindy, stood in the doorway. "Mom, Dad's home Tom. Is something wrong with Nicky?"  
  
"Cindy, go get your father, now," Laura said.  
  
Cindy ran out and into the living room. "Hey Daddy, Mom wants you. Something's wrong with Nicky."  
  
John Stokes worked in the District Attorney's office and evenings were the only time he had with his children. Nick was his little boy, and everyone in the family was protective of him. "Is he sick?"  
  
"I don't know. He's just sitting in bed staring and he won't talk. Mom says to come now." But her mother's message wasn't necessary; John was all ready rushing to his son's room.  
  
"Something's wrong with Nicky," Cindy announced to her older siblings.  
  
Tommy, who was 17 and the oldest still living at home, had overheard what Cindy had told her father. "Sounds like he's in shock or something."  
  
"Yeah, I saw this movie where a little kid saw someone murdered and he went into shock and wouldn't talk," said Susan, 15.  
  
"But Nick couldn't have seen anyone murdered," said Jane, 14.  
  
"Sure he could," Susan said. "Maybe someone broke in and murdered the babysitter and Nick saw and the guy was going kill Nick too but-"  
  
"Knock it off Susie," Tommy said. "No one saw anyone murdered. Nick's probably just sick or something."  
  
"Told you he didn't see anyone murdered," Jane said, sticking out her tongue at Susan.  
  
"Then where's the babysitter?" Susan asked, sticking her tongue out in return.  
  
"Grow up, both of you," Tommy ordered. "Why don't we go see what's wrong with Nick?"  
  
"Yeah, common," Cindy said. So they all trooped down to Nick's room.  
  
John hadn't been able to get any response from Nick either. "Where is that sitter?" he asked Laura. "I thought you got a sitter."  
  
"I did. Our regular sitter canceled at the last minute, but I managed to find a replacement."  
  
"I think we need to get him to the hospital," John said.  
  
"What's wrong with him?" Tommy asked.  
  
"You think it's that bad?" Laura asked.  
  
"I don't know," John said, answering both questions. "Nick. Nick!" He shook Nick gently, but Nick only flinched and gave John the same pleading look he had given his mother. "All right, we need to go." He scooped Nick up and carried him past his other children by the door. "Tommy, stay with the girls."  
  
"But-"  
  
"Please Tommy," Laura said.  
  
"Ok, but what's wrong?" However, they were all ready out to the car. 


	2. Chapter 2

John floored it to the hospital and hurried into the emergency room with Nick. The place was crowded and filled with shouts and people's cries. "My son needs help," he told the receptionist, over the hubbub and commotion. 

The receptionist glanced up and her eyes flicked over Nick. "Is he bleeding?"

"No."

"Is he coughing up blood or dying?"

"No, and I hope not."

Fill out these forms and wait over there."

 "But-" 

"Look sir," the receptionist interrupted. "There are people here dying from gun shot wounds, car crashes, and any number of life-threatening illnesses. Your son doesn't appear to be in any immediate danger; you'll have to wait.

So they waited. And waited. For 3 hours they sat in the waiting room. Nick, a normally energetic boy who wouldn't sit still for 5 minutes, sat in a chair staring at the floor for the whole time. This greatly worried Laura and John. They were always getting repots from Nick's teacher saying that all though Nick was very bright and doing excellent academically (one of the best in his class), he was quite restless and always had to be reminded to sit still and pay attention.  

They were beginning to think they had been forgotten, so when a man in a white coat walked past, John jumped up and said, "Excuse me, but we've been waiting for hours and…"

The doctor smiled. He looked young; young enough to be an intern in fact. "What's the problem?" he asked, looking at John for any sign of injury.

"It's my son." The doctor looked to where Laura was sitting with Nick. John briefly explained what was wrong. 

The doctor frowned, but didn't comment except to ask, "What's his name?"

"Nick."

The doctor walked over and crouched down in front of Nick. "Hey Nick, I'm Dr. Withers, but you can call me Darrell if you want. Hmm… you must be, what…. 10?"

No response.

"He's 9," Laura offered.

"Then you must be in third grade. I have a nephew who's about your age. He's in third grade. He really likes his teacher. How about you, do you like school?"

No response except a blink.

"I expect you do well in school, right?"

Blink.

"Well, can you tell me what's wrong?"

Blink, blink.

"I'm going to talk to your parents for a minute, all right? I'll be right back." He sighed and turned to Laura and John. "I'll have to run some tests to see what's wrong. I can't see any obvious signs of any reasons why he can't talk. He's coherent and least; I believe he understands what I'm saying.  You can wait here. I'll let you know as soon as possible." He turned back to Nick. "Hey Nick, do you wanna come with me? Maybe I can figure out what's wrong and make it better."

Nick slid out of his chair and followed the doctor. Then it was more waiting for John and Laura. About half an hour later Dr. Withers came back out.

"Do you know what's wrong?" John asked anxiously. 

Dr. Withers sighed. His smile was gone and he looked rather grim. "Who was Nick with tonight?"

"What does that--"?

Dr. Withers held up his hand. "Please, answer my questions, then I can answer yours. And I need honest answers so I can help your son. Who was Nick with?"

"He was with a sitter."

"A female?"

"Yes."

"How well do you know her? Has she sat for Nick before?"

"No, we don't know her very well. She was a last minute replacement," Laura answered, confused. "Why, did she hurt Nick? Is that was this is about? Did she do something to Nick?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so."

"What'd she do? What's wrong?" Laura asked, clutching John.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I have to just say it. Your son has been sexually assaulted."

There was a moment of shocked silence as John and Laura stared at the doctor in horror. "What?!" John exclaimed. "Are you saying he was… like… raped or something? But... but he's a boy." 

"Yes, I know. I wish I could say I've never seen this before but I have. Although it is rare, it isn't all together unusual. I'm sorry."

"So…. but…. did he tell you what happened?"

"No, I discovered some evidence of it when I was examining him. I asked him to change into a gown and he was extremely reluctant. When he did, I noticed some very recent bruising. All of this got me suspicious, so I ran some tests, and they were positive."

"So what do we do?" John asked, still in shock.

"Well, there's not much we can do. I'd like to keep Nick in the hospital overnight. I'll send the hospital psychiatrist up to see him when he gets a room. Other than that, I suggest you contact a psychiatrist of your own. This can be a very difficult thing to deal with. He'll also need you to be there for him. Right now I have to file a police report."

"A police report?"

"Yes, whenever there is any kind of abuse or possible abuse I have to report it. Since in this case, I'm sure, there will definitely be a police investigation. I have to warn you, times won't be easy for a while. Child services will most likely get involved. You'll be repeatedly asked who Nick was with, where you were, why you weren't with him. They'll try to talk to Nick, and if you have any other children they'll want to talk to them too."

"But, why won't Nick talk?" Laura asked.

"Sometimes, when a person, particularly a child, experiences something traumatic like this, they will withdraw from their surroundings. Some people believe they are trying to block out the pain. Whatever it is, it seems to be happening to Nick. I don't know whether it is voluntary or not. I think the best thing you can do is to stay with Nick and try to talk him out of it. Try to get him to express himself in some way, verbally or not.  Right now I think it would be best for Nick to just rest. I can arrange it so that you can stay in Nick's room, if you would like. It would be better for Nick if one of you stayed with him, so he feels safe."

"I'll stay," Laura said.

"No, honey, you should go home and stay with the other kids. I'm sure they're scared. I'll stay with Nick."

"But-"

"Please Laura. It'll be all right; I'll stay with Nick. You come back tomorrow after the kids go to school."

"I think it may be best if Mr. Stokes is the one to stay," Dr. Withers said. "Nick may feel safer with his father, simply because he's a man. I'm not sure how Nick will react yet. Sometimes a young boy will feel threatened by any female, regardless of who it is; other times they will go to their mother for comfort. Let me say again I'm very sorry for what happened," Dr. Withers added. 

"Can I see him, before I go?" Laura asked.

"Of course."            


	3. Chapter 3

            Laura slipped quietly into her house, hoping her other children were asleep, but not thinking it likely. She wasn't surprised when Tommy came out of the living room. 

           "The girls fell asleep about an hour ago," he said.

           "Thanks." Laura could tell Tommy resisting the urge to ask the many questions he had.

            "Do you wanna sit down Mom? You look tired," Tommy said.

            "Thanks." Laura gratefully let her son lead her to the couch.

            "Is Nick Ok?" Tommy asked finally.

            Then, for the first time that night, Laura began to cry. All the tension, fear, and stress that had been building up all night finally came out in a flood of tears. Tommy sat by uncomfortably, not sure what to do. Laura finally sighed.

            "I'm sorry," she said.

            "No, it's ok. I guess Nicky's in pretty bad shape or something?"

            Laura was in control again. She told Tommy what the doctor said. His reaction was different from either her's or John's. 

            "That bitch!" Tommy spat angrily. 

            "Tommy!" Laura gasped in surprise.

            "Sorry Mom, but how could anyone do that to a little kid?"

            "I don't know, honey, I don't know. But she did it. The doctor said he was going to file a police report."

            "They'll catch her won't they?" Tommy asked.

            "I guess."

            "Well, you can give them her name, right? Maybe where she lives?"

            "I only know her first name, and I don't know where she lives."

            "You let a stranger stay with Nicky?"

            "Tommy this is not my fault!" Laura said, more to convince herself than Tommy. 

            "I know, I'm sorry. I just…"

            "I know. I'm sorry." There was silence for a while.

            "Where's Dad?" Tommy asked eventually.

            "He's staying with Nick in the hospital. Just overnight."

            "I thought you'd want to stay with him."

            "I-I did. But your father insisted that I needed rest and… the doctor said it might be best… he said Nick might not be comfortable around women for a while."

            "You mean the doctor thinks that Nick would let what that bit- sorry, _woman_, did to him affect how he acts around you or something?"

            "I guess so"

            "Then he doesn't know Nick. He'll be all right Mom." Tommy wasn't sure who he was trying to convince. "He'll be fine. He's a tough little kid. He'll snap out of it, and they'll catch who did this to him and everything will be fine. And I mean, physically he's ok right?"

            "Yes, but did you see the look in his eyes? She took my baby's spirit."


	4. Chapter 4

A.N.  Sorry it's taken me so long to update. I'll try to get the chapters out faster in the future. Thanks for all the reviews and I hope you're still reading.

            The next morning, Laura ushered her girls off to school, telling them Nick was going to be fine and he might even be home when they got home from school. Tommy wanted to go to the hospital with Laura, but she insisted he go to school. Then she called into work before going to the hospital. 

            At the hospital, Laura went to Nick's room, and found John sitting on a cot, looking through a stack of papers and scribbling notes. He jumped up when she came in. She went to him, and he held her.

            "How is he?" Laura asked.

            "No change. How are you?"

            "As well as can be expected, I guess."

            "How're the kids?"

            "Ok. Tommy knows. I haven't told the girls."

            "That's probably best. Doctors have been in and out, and a psychiatrist is supposed to come in a little bit.

            There was a knock on the door, and a police officer came into the room."

"Mr. and Mrs. Stokes?" 

"Yes. I'm John, this is my wife Laura."

"I'm Detective Jackson. I need to talk to you about the incident last night."

They had been expecting this, and were silent. "Is that your son?" he asked.

_Well who the hell did you think it was? _John thought. _No, we're crying over some other boy's bed. _"Yes, this is Nick," he said.

The detective went to Nick's bed.  "Hey Nick. My name is Detective Jackson."

Nick looked at him, then looked away.

"Nick, I need you to tell me about last night. What happened?"

Nick made no response.

"Did someone hurt you?"

No response.

"Nick, I really need you to answer my questions. Who hurt you last night? Don't be afraid to tell me.  Was it someone you know? Is that why you won't tell me? Does it bother you when your parents go out and leave you alone?"

Nick suddenly gave a tearless, dry sounding sob, and turned, burying his head in the pillow. 

"That's enough!" John said stepping forward. "I won't let you upset my son like that."

"I'm only doing my job; trying to find out what happened."

"We didn't leave our son home alone. He was with a sitter, and she hurt him. You should be out there looking for her, not here harassing my son!"

"John," Laura said, reaching out and touching his arm.

Detective Jackson looked uncomfortable. "I'm sorry. Perhaps I should come back when Nick is ready to talk. Good-day," he left, and John relaxed as Laura rushed over to comfort Nick.

Laura stroked the back of Nick's head and he quieted.  "He hasn't really cried. Did you notice? He hasn't cried."

John held Laura, and she cried instead. And not for the first time she asked, "How could anyone do this to him?"

Later that day, one of the hospital psychiatrists  came up to see Nick. She first talked to Laura and John outside the room. Then she came in alone to talk to Nick.

"Hi Nick. I'm Dr. Zaleigus. I have my kids call be Dr. Z. You have a big family. It must be nice to have so many people looking out for you. I had two little brothers, so I was the one looking out for them. Well, I know that when I was a kid I wouldn't have wanted to talk to some stranger, so I'll tell you about myself. If you have any questions, feel free to ask."

She went on to talk about her family and other things. She left some statements open, with a pause, inviting a response but asking no direct questions. She left no opportunity for Nick to refuse to talk. She stayed for about 20 minutes, then left, promising to come back the next day. Nick never said a word.   


	5. Chapter 5

AN- I'm not a psychiatrist, so this may not be exactly correct. I have read up on the subject of elective mutism some, so my story could be as accurate as possible.           

Nick watched the psychiatrist walk out of the room. For two days, everyone had been trying to get him to talk. This was the first person who didn't seem to care whether he talked or not. 

            The psychiatrist came to talk to Nick for the next few days. He still refused to talk. On the third day, Dr. Z spoke with Laura and John.

            "Do you know why Nick won't talk?" Laura asked.

"I believe it's elective mutism. There is no physical reason that keeps Nick from speaking. Sometimes when someone, a child especially, has gone through something traumatic, he may choose not to speak. The choice may not be a conscious one. What we need to do is help Nick feel comfortable. He needs to know he is not in trouble, and he has nothing to be afraid of by talking. I try to do that when I speak with him, and you should too."

"Of course, but why would Nick be afraid to talk?"

"He may be afraid of the questions he will have to answer when he does start talking. Things will be brought up he will not want to discuss.  I have not yet brought up the subject of his abuse when speaking to Nick. I do not believe it would be productive until we have a better relationship and I have his trust. Also, I need to better understand how he will react when I do bring it up. I ask you not to bring it up with him either."

"Of course, we won't," John said.

"Why don't you two go get something to eat? I'll be with Nick for about half-an-hour."

Laura and John left, and Dr. Z went to see Nick. She knocked once on the door and walked in. She had done this the previous times she had come, and he was ready for her.

He was sitting cross-legged on the bed, in jeans and a t-shirt. He had refused to wear the hospital gown after the first day. He was a smart kid, Dr. Z thought. Smart enough to know what was going on. She had not been completely honest with Nick's parents. She believed Nick knew what he was doing. She believed that, after the first day at least, Nick's silence was voluntary. 

"Hi Nick," Dr. Z said, and sat down in a chair across from the bed. Nick gave her a half smile. She started her conversation as she normally did, by telling Nick what she had been doing, and leaving several statements open for comment. But then she did something she had never done before.  She asked him a direct question.

"So what is your family like?" Dr. Z held her breath to see how Nick would react. 

Nick only half listened as Dr. Z rambled on, making one-sided small talk. He had gone through various emotions throughout the past few days. Now he wanted to be left alone. He wanted to go home, and everything to be back to normal. Dr. Z startled him with her question. 

In the seconds of silence that followed the question, Nick contemplated what to do. If he answered her, maybe he could go home. He could deny all of it, say he had felt sick. If they pressed the issue, he could stop talking again, and that might frighten them in to leaving him alone.

"I have five sisters and one brother," Nick said. "They're all older than me."

Dr. Z knew from experience better than to make a big deal of this. She acted as though this was normal, that she had always asked him questions and he always answered them. "Seven children? Do they all live at home?"

"No," Nick said, his heart thumping. He had done it; there was no turning back now. "Ellen is 19, she's the oldest and in collage. Then Chloe is 18; she's in collage too. My brother Tommy's 17. My other sisters are Susan, Jane, and Cindy. They're 15, 14, and 11."

"And you're 9?"

"Yeah, I'm the youngest," Nick said, not sounding very enthusiastic. 

"What it's like being the youngest? I was the oldest."

Nick shrugged. "It's okay I guess."

"You've got a lot of people looking out for you."

"I guess," Nick mumbled. That's what everyone always said. He always thought they were overprotective. But where were they when he needed them the most?

Dr. Z could tell this wasn't a subject Nick wanted to dwell on. "Is there anything you'd like to talk about Nick?"

Nick abruptly shook his head. Dr. Z realized that Nick must have thought she was suggesting they talk about his abuse.  "We can talk about anything; your family, your school, my family, anything about me you want."

Nick looked at he for a minute, and then stared out the window. "I don't really feel like talking." 

"Okay. Then maybe we can talk tomorrow."

"What?!" Nick stared at her. "Can't I go home now?"

"Maybe. The doctors may want to keep you for a bit longer."

"I don't want to stay. I wanna go home." Nick yelled. He rolled over so he was facing the wall. "I won't talk unless I can go home."

"You can't go home until you talk," Dr. Z said before walking out.


	6. Chapter 6

            True to his word, Nick refused to talk again. And when Dr. Z came in to talk to him the next day, he avoided looking at her. Instead, he turned to face the wall, his arms crossed. Dr. Z knew she was out of time. Nick's doctor decided there was no reason to keep him in the hospital. He was going to be released later that day. 

            "Hi Nick," she said. No response. "You didn't talk to your parents." Nick's shoulders tightened. "Why not?" Nick continued to ignore her. "You're mad at me. Why? Maybe you think I'm the one who won't let you go home, but that's not true. The doctors decide when it's time for you to go home."

            "You could tell them," Nick muttered sullenly. Suddenly he turned around to look at her. "You could tell them I'm ok and you think I should go home. You're a doctor too I know you are: just a different kind. They'd listen to you."

            "I can't do that. I don't know that you are all right."

            "I'm fine. I want to go home."

            "I know you do, but there are some things we need to talk about before you go home." Dr. Z waited for Nick's reaction. She thought that if he believed he could go home if he talked about what happened, perhaps he would.

            Nick regarded her warily. "What do you mean?" he asked. 

"Well, we would have to talk about the night you came here and why you are here."  

Nick looked away. "I don't know why I'm here."

"Now Nick, you know that's not true."

Nick looked Dr. Z in the face and said slowly, "I don't know why I'm here."

Dr. Z sighed. Could it be that Nick really didn't remember? Dr. Z thought it was more likely that he was trying to block it out. 

Nick turned to stare out the window and to break the silence he began to babble. "I mean, I wasn't feeling very well. I guess my parents were worried. I wouldn't talk; maybe that scared them. I was just scared 'cause… well the sitter," Nick paused and a look of combined pain, fear, and anger crossed his face. The look passed in seconds and he continued with a blank expression. "She left me alone and I got scared. Is that what you want to talk about?" 

"Nick," Dr. Z said gently, "look at me." Nick faced her, but avoided looking at her. "Please Nick, I need you to look at me." Dr. Z was convinced Nick did remember the incident. Slowly Nick raised his eyes to look Dr. Z in the face. "I want to talk about what happened before your sitter left. About what she did to you. I know you know what I mean."

There was a long silence, and Nick stared at a spot above Dr. Z's head. Finally, Nick looked back at her. "Nothing," he said quickly.

"What?"

"Nothing happened. She just left. That's all."

"Nick,"

"I said nothing happened. Why don't you believe me? You weren't there; no one was."

"No one was where?" Before Nick could answer, Dr. Withers came in. 

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were busy. I'll come back later," he said, about to leave.

"It's ok Dr. Darrell, we're done," Nick said.

Dr. Withers looked at him in surprise. "Well, I see you've found your voice."

"Yes sir," Nick said. "When can I go home?"

"That's what I came here to talk to you about. Since you are healthy physically, the hospital sees no reason for you to stay."

"Cool." Nick leapt off the bed. "Now?"

"In about an hour, when your parents come."

"Excellent," Nick said. He sat back down and started bouncing up and down. 

"You're certainly more chipper than I expected," Dr. Withers said.

"I'm happy to go home," Nick said. "Sorry I didn't talk to you before. I was telling Dr. Z that I was kinda scared because the sitter left me alone. I guess I was being a baby. Anyway, sorry to put you through all this trouble."

Dr. Withers looked puzzled and was about to say something when Dr. Z caught his eye. "Excuse me, Nick. I'll be back in a few minutes." Nick nodded, and the doctors left.

"He hasn't accepted what happened has he?" Dr. Withers said when they were out of the room. 

"No he hasn't. I'll talk with his parents. Explain that he should continue to see a psychiatrist. Hopefully they can bring him to see me."

Dr. Withers nodded. "I will also advise them that that would be best."

"Excuse me." Detective Jackson approached them. "You're working with the Stokes' boy, right?"

"Yes."

"Is he talking yet?"

"Well yes he is, but he isn't ready to talk about what happened," Dr. Z said.

"We'll see," Detective Jackson said. He opened the door to Nick's room.

"I don't think you should do that," Dr. Withers said.

"I have to do my job," Detective Jackson said, walking in to Nick's room.   


	7. Chapter 7

            The door opened and Nick looked up, expecting to see his doctors, or maybe his parents had come early to pick him up! His face fell when he saw the police detective who had badgered him the first day. The detective smiled, a little awkwardly, and then said "Hello Nick. I'm Detective Jackson. Do you remember me?"  Nick glared at him. Detective Jackson looked startled, but continued, "I hear you are feeling better."

            Nick's upbringing kept him polite, although he certainly felt like saying "Well I was until you showed up." Instead, he continued to stare at the cop.

            Detective Jackson shifted uncomfortably. The doctors _had_ said Nick was talking. Maybe he was just frightened, he thought. He crossed to room and bringing a chair a little closer to Nick's bed, he sat down, with Nick watching his every move.

            "Well Nick, I need to talk to you about what happened to you."

Nick regarded Detective Jackson carefully. Why couldn't everyone just leave him alone?  He didn't want to talk to this man.  Maybe if he didn't talk, Dr. Z would make the man go away.

"You don't have to be afraid of me Nick. I'm here to help you," Detective Jackson continued.

Yeah right, Nick thought. If you really wanted to help, you'd go away.

"Nick, I need to know who hurt you. It's just you and me in here, so you can tell me. Don't be afraid." Detective Jackson paused, looking for any kind of response from Nick.  "Was it someone you know, Nick? Are you afraid they'll get mad if you tell me? Don't worry about that, I understand." Detective Jackson paused again, and mistook a look of anger from Nick. "Is that it? Maybe your mom came home early… came into your room… maybe your dad came home and she had to make up a story… maybe-"

Nick could no longer take it and he snapped. "Shut up!" Nick yelled. "Leave me alone, will you? Leave me alone!" He jumped off the bed and bolted to the door. Dr. Withers caught Nick around the chest as he darted out the door.     

"Nick, what's wrong?" Dr. Z asked. 

"Make him go away, make him leave me alone!" Nick cried, tears threatening to spill over, yet not quite falling.  

"Nick, what happened?" Dr. Withers asked.

At that moment, Detective Jackson came out of the room. As soon as Nick saw him, he ducked out from Dr. Withers grasp, and ran to stand behind him, clutching his white coat and burring his face in his back. 

"What did you do to him?" Dr. Withers demanded.

"I was merely trying to find out what happened to him."

"We know what happened to him," Dr. Z hissed. 

"Come on Nick," Dr. Withers said, leading Nick back into his room. 

"He's a victim, damn you, not a suspect!" Dr. Z yelled at Detective Jackson.

"I know that. And right now he's being very uncooperative. I need to find out who did this to him. It's my job."

"That boy is more important than your job. And as his psychiatrist I forbid you to speak with him again until further notice." Noticing he was about to object she added, "And I have to right to too, because I believe further _questioning_ would be harmful to Nick's well-being. Good day." Dr. Z turned and marched into Nick's room.

By the time Nick's parents arrived twenty minutes later, Dr. Z and Dr. Withers had Nick calmed down. Nick refused to tell them what had gotten him upset or anything about Detective Jackson's questions.  Dr. Z suspected this was because Nick was blocking out the whole abuse incident, so any questions regarding it would be irrelevant. 

Nick's mother was the first to enter the room. They had been told that Nick was being released, but not that he was talking again.  That accounted for her surprise at the greeting she received. 

"Mom!" Nick yelled, bouncing on the bed. "Can we go home now?"

"Oh Nick," Laura cried, running across the room to embrace him. 

"Aww mom," Nick said, embarrassed by her affection yet glad of it. 

"Are you all right Nick?"

"I'm fine. Can we go home?"

"Of course," John said.

"Before you leave, I need to speak with you," Dr. Z said.

"Common dad, let's go home," Nick said, seizing his father's hand and trying to drag him to the door. 

"Just a minute Nick," John said. "We need to speak with Dr. Zaleigus for a moment."

Nick knew that if he resisted too much, it would be suspicious. So instead, he flopped back down resignedly on his bed. 

Dr. Z took Laura and John out into the hallway. 


	8. Chapter 8

AN- Sorry it took so long to update. I had a very busy summer and then I was involved with school. Anyway, I hope you'll bear with me. I'll try to update as often as I can.

"So is Nick ok now?" Laura asked.

"Not exactly," Dr. Z said.

"What do you mean? What's wrong?"

"Well, I believe Nick only started talking because he wants to go home."

"But isn't that good?" John asked.

"It would be, but after speaking with him, I realized that Nick has not accepted what has happened to him. He is trying to block the pain by pretending it never happened."

"Maybe nothing did happen to him, maybe the doctors were wrong," Laura said hopefully.

"I think you know that's not the case. Nick needs to come to grips with what happened, so he can start healing psychologically. I must tell you, it will not be easy. You need to make Nick feel comfortable talking about it. He needs to know you will be there for him when he is ready, and reassure him that you love him no matter what."

"Of course," Laura said. "Is there anything else we can do?"

"Yes; I highly recommend that Nick continue to see a psychiatrist. If it is too far for you to bring him here, you can find one closer to your home. But it is very important that Nick continue to get help."

"All right," John said.

"Right now, I think he will benefit from being home, in a familiar environment."

"Thank you for all you've done," John said. 

They went back into the room, where Nick immediately jumped up from the bed. "Can we go now?" he pleaded.   

            "Yes Nick, we can go home," Laura said.

            "Yea!" Nick yelped. "Common!" Nick tried to drag his parents out of the room again.

            "Aren't you going to say good-bye to Dr. Z?" Laura asked.

            Nick glanced quickly at Dr. Z. She knew he was lying, he could tell. He forced himself to smile, but he didn't look her in the eyes. "Bye Dr. Z, thanks for all your help."

            "Good-bye Nick. I'm sorry I couldn't help you further."

            Nick looked at the floor. "I'm sorry about…" Nick realized there was no way to finish the sentence without completely giving himself away.

            Dr. Z understood. "Don't worry about it Nick, just feel better, all right?"

            Nick didn't like where the conversation was going, and switched into automatic. Smiling at Dr. Z he said, "I all ready feel better. I'm fine."

            Dr. Z sighed as she looked at Nick. It was as if shutters had come down over his eyes. She had seen the look when he first came in, and when he denied the abuse. It had lifted when he found out he was going home, but now it was back. 

            Nick turned to his parents. "Can we go now, please?"

            "All right Nick, all right," John said. "Thank you again," he said to Dr. Z.

Nick was quiet on the ride home. He stared out the window, avoiding his mother's eyes when she looked back at him. When they arrived at the house, Nick hesitated getting out of the car.

John opened the door for him. "Common Nick, I'm sure everyone wants to see you." Slowly Nick climbed from the car. He wasn't sure what he was feeling. He knew he was glad to home, but there was another feeling he couldn't quite describe. However, before he had time to think about it, Nick was inside the house and nearly being suffocated in hugs. John laughed. "Give him a chance to breathe at least," he said, carefully extracting Nick from his brother and sisters. 

"So how're you feeling Nicky?" Cindy asked.

"I'm fine. I think I'll go play in my room." Nick walked slowly across the room and down the hall. He stopped when he came to the door of his room. He stared at the door, willing himself to go in. Before now, he had not let himself think of this moment. He had convinced himself that once he left the hospital and came home, everything would be normal. Normal. Right. There was no normal. Nick's arm felt like lead as he slowly reached for the doorknob. 

"Hey Nick, you wanna come to my room? I'll let you play my Nintendo."

Nick's hand dropped to his side and he whirled around. "Really?" Tommy was very protective of his Nintendo, which he had bought with his own money. Not only that, Nick was rarely allowed in Tommy's room.   

"Sure. Common." 

Problems momentarily forgotten, Nick enjoyed a few hours playing video games and hanging out with his brother. They stopped only when called for dinner.

After dinner, the whole family watched a movie together. Then it was time for what Nick dreaded. He would have to go to bed, go to his room, sleep in the bed where _it_ had happened.

"Well Nick," said John, "It's been a long day. I think you better get some sleep."

"Can't I stay up a little longer?" Nick pleaded.

"It's past your bedtime anyway Nick.  I really think you should go to bed."

 Nick sighed. "Ok." He didn't want to make a big deal of it and draw attention to the fact that he didn't want to go to bed. That might lead to questions. And he _was_ tired. Nick said good-night and slowly made his way to his room. He took a deep breath, and opened the door. Nick's body tensed as he waited for his world to come crashing down. It didn't. He opened his eyes and stared into the darkness of the room. From the hall light he could make out his dresser, his desk, the shelves on the wall, and finally his bed.

Nick stepped into the room and flipped on the light. His toys were neatly put away (his mother insisted on a clean room). His models hung from the ceiling or sat on the shelves with his books.

There was one thing different though, Nick thought. _He_ was different. He didn't feel like the same boy who had played with these toys, built these models, read these books, and slept in this bed. Nick stared at the bed. He would never be that boy again. And, Nick decided, he would never sleep in that bed again. He _couldn't_ sleep in that bed again. Nick forced himself to focus on what he was doing, not why.

Nick went to his closet, brought out some spare blankets, and spread them on the floor. Then he laid his sleeping bag on top of them. Finally he pulled out a spare pillow and tossed it down. There. His new bed. Of course, he would have to pick it up everyday so his mom wouldn't find it. He didn't want his parents to know he wasn't sleeping in his bed.

Nick turned off the lights and crawled into his sleeping bag. Moonlight crept in the window and landed on his bed. It was then he realized his sheets had been changed. His racecar sheets had been replaced by his plain blue ones. Of course, they would had to have been changed but…

Nick turned over and pulled his knees up to his chest. He swallowed hard and squeezed his eyes shut tight, but he couldn't stop the flood of tears that came suddenly. Nick chocked as sobs began to rake his body. The tears came relentlessly as he coughed and gasped for breath. He rocked slightly from side to side; his hands covered his eyes, the wrapped around his body, then back to his face. 

Nick tried to convince himself he was crying because of the loss of his favorite sheets, but he knew that wasn't true. He was crying for the loss of his innocence, the loss of a normal childhood, the loss of his own self-respect. 

Slowly Nick gained control. He slowed his gasps, taking slow, deep breaths. He rubbed his eyes, trying to stop the flow of tears. Great, Nick thought. His nose was stuffed up and running, and his eyes stung. Now he would never be able to sleep, never…. Several minutes later Nick drifted into an exhausted, deep, and blissfully dreamless sleep.

  
  



	9. Chapter 9

AN- Once again I apologize for being so long before updating. I've been very, very, very, very, very, very, (well you get the idea) busy, but hopefully things have settled down now so I will try my best to update more often, that is if there is still anyone who still wants to read it. I appreciate the reviews, and any of you who have stuck around through my slow updating.

Nick woke, and for a few wonderful moments he forgot everything that had happened in the past week. Then, as he became fully conscience, the memories came flooding back. Nick squeezed his eyes shut, pretending everything was back to normal. It was a Saturday. His mom would be making pancakes or maybe waffles. Soon she would come in to wake him up. He would watch cartoons and play outside with his friends. Everyone would treat him like they always treated him because nothing was different.

He was just a normal kid. A normal kid. Then his eyelid tickled and Nick opened his eyes. He saw that he was lying on the floor in his sleeping bag. Then came the wave of realization that nothing would ever be the same and he was not a normal kid. Quickly he closed his eyes, trying to pretend again, but the moments of ignorance had passed. Nick sighed and climbed out of his bag. Carefully he rolled his sleeping bag up and put it along with the extra blanket into his closet. No one could know he wasn't sleeping in his bed.

"You're up early," his mom said when he walked into the kitchen.

"Can I help?" Nick asked to avoid the question.

"Set the table," she said absently, turning back to the stove. As Nick laid the place settings out, he caught the scent of fresh cooked pancakes and he stopped and closed hid eyes. It was a wonderful, familiar smell and Nick wanted to freeze time, to stand there safely in the kitchen, smelling his mom's cooking.

"You didn't fall asleep on me did you?" His mom's voice broke into his thoughts. He opened his eyes, shaking his head, and went back to setting the table. "Are you all right sweetie?"

"I'm fine." Nick tried to grin "Can I watch tv until breakfast is ready?"

"All right. But you only have about 10 minutes."

Nick went into the living room, and turned on the television, idly flicking through the channels. Soon the rest of his family was up and his mom called him in for breakfast.

The next two days passed uneventfully. Although his parents kept a closer watch on him, and his siblings treated him nicer, things were basically back to normal. The bruises on his arms had faded completely. On Monday Nick returned to school, where he was greeted enthusiastically by his friends, wanting to know how sick he had been and catching him up on all he had missed.

"Did you throw up?" his friend Sam wanted to know.

"Mmmn," Nick said, noncommittally, not really answering the question.

"Do you still feel sick? Are you going to puke again?" Sam asked. The three boys jumped away from Nick at the thought, looking both scared and impressed.

Nick laughed. "I'm fine."

"You won't be fine when you get to class and see all the work you have to make up," his best friend Corey said.

"Yeah, and today's the last day to work on our science project," TJ reminded them.

"Wait till you see what we've done on it," Sam said, half-dragging Nick into the classroom.

Nick quickly readjusted back into his normal routine. He was glad for school and all the work he had to do. In school he was just another student, he wasn't singled out or made to feel any different from any one else. After several weeks Nick began to forget about the incident; he never really forgot, but it slipped to the back of his mind, push there by the daily activities of a 9 year-old boy. Pleased with how well Nick was doing and how "normal" he seemed, his parents also pushed it to the back of their minds, and once again concentrated on balancing their work load with their family life.

About a month after incident, Laura was enjoying a rare day off from work. Perhaps enjoy was the wrong word though. It was rare when she was home from work in the middle of the week so she took the opportunity to get some work done around the house. Although her children were expected to clean their own rooms, she still liked to check up on the younger ones, to make sure they were keeping up and to do their laundry.

It had been a busy morning. Laura had done the laundry and cooked some meals for later in the week. She went into Nick's room to put away some of his clothes. She finished putting his clothes in the drawer, then decided she had time to do a load of sheets before the kids got home. She threw back the comforter from Nick's bed, then realized that the bed was still perfectly made. Nick always hated to make his bed and it was usually sloppy done when it was done at all.

Laura sighed, and continued to strip the bed. It didn't look slept in, but where else would Nick have slept? Maybe Nick just decided to do the chore right for once. After stripping the other beds and putting the laundry in the washer, she returned to make Nick's bed. She opened Nick's closet to get out the fresh sheets and found a sleeping bag, several blankets, and a pillow piled on the floor of the closet. Leaving the sheets, Laura sat down on the end of the bed to think. Bed neatly made, unrolled sleeping bag in the closet… come to think of it the kids had all been running late that morning, Nick wouldn't have had time to make his bed. What was going on?


	10. Chapter 10

Later that night, after the kids were in bed, Laura talked to John about her concerns. "John, I'm worried about Nick."

John looked up from the stack of papers he had brought home to work on. "Nick? Why?"

"Well, it might be nothing but…." She told him about her discovery of Nick's un-slept-in bed and the sleeping bag in his closet. "I just thought it was odd… he couldn't have slept in his bed since last week when I made it after doing the wash."

"Maybe Nick's just been playing a game… you know, pretending he's sleeping in a tent. I used to do that all the time when I was kid; I'd prop a blanket up on chairs and things and crawl in with my sleeping bag."

"But for a whole week?"

"I might have stayed in there every night if my parents had let me."

"But why would Nick hide it from us?"

"I don't know, little boys sometimes hide things from their parents."

"What if Nick hasn't slept in his bed since he came back from the hospital?

"What? That's impossible, we would have noticed."

"Maybe not. We're both so busy and… the last several times I've washed the sheets Nick has stripped his bed himself and brought the sheets out to me. And he's always up and dressed when I go to wake him up in the mornings. Before I practically had to drag him out of bed, but since he came back from the hospital…"

"So what are you suggesting? He was in the hospital over a month ago. You don't think he's slept in his bed that whole time? What possible reason could he have for that?"

"I don't know John! That's why I'm worried." They sat in silence for a while, before Laura voiced her real fear. "Maybe he doesn't want to sleep in his bed because of what happened."

John stared down at his work and shuffled some papers. The same thought had been going through his own head, but he hadn't wanted to say it. "I thought it was over… I thought Nick was okay…" John's voice was pleading, asking his wife to reassure him, to tell him there was some mistake, that it really was over, that Nick was doing fine and they could forget about what happened and move on with their lives.

Laura looked back at John, and her eyes likewise begged him not to make her say the words that would dispel the fantasy they had been living in. John sighed, and reached over and held Laura to him, and she clung to him, burying herself in his protective embrace. Trying not to cry, she voice what they both had been thinking. "Will this ever be over?"

After a long silence, John said, "Let's talk to Nick tomorrow. Then we can decide what to do."

The next evening after dinner Laura and John called Nick into the living room. The other kids were busy with their homework and social lives. "Sit down Nick, your mother and I want to talk with you."

"What's wrong?" Nick asked, racking his brain to think of some mischief that he could be in trouble for. Several incidents came to mind, but he couldn't think of any way his parents could have found out about them.

His father took a deep breath, the asked, "Have you been sleeping in your bed Nick?" Nick flinched, trying to keep his face straight and innocent. He hadn't expected that. But, how could they know? They couldn't, unless…

"Where else would I sleep?" he asked, struggling to keep his voice calm.

"Please answer me Nick. You're not in trouble. We just need to know if you've been sleeping in your bed."

"Yeah, I have. Why?" Nick asked, hoping he sounded puzzled.

"Nick, sweetie," his mother said gently "you're not in trouble. We really need you to tell us the truth."

Nick sat back in his chair, crossing his arms and pulling his legs up. "Well it sounds like you've all ready decided what the truth is, why bother asking me," he muttered.

"Nicholas!" his father said sharply.

Nick scowled, then plunged ahead recklessly. "Well it's true. You asked me, but you didn't really want an answer cause you all ready made up your mind what the truth was. It doesn't matter what I have to say."

"Loose the attitude, Nick." Nick hunched his shoulders and put his head on his knees. John sighed. "Your mother found your sleeping bag unrolled in your closet, and your bed perfectly made. Can you explain that to me?"

Nick pulled himself in tighter and didn't look up. Laura went over and sat next to him. "Nick, honey," she said, reaching out and stroking his back. Nick pulled away from her touch. "What's wrong Nick? What's going on? Your father and I are worried about you. We aren't mad, we just want to know if something is bothering you, that you aren't sleeping in your bed."

Nick relaxed slightly, letting his mother rub his back. "It was just a game," he muttered softly, hoping they would believe him.

"How long has it been since you slept in your bed?" John asked.

Nick shrugged, thinking fast. How much did they know? What would they believe? "Have you… have you slept in your bed since you got back from the hospital?" Laura felt Nick tense under her hand. "Nick?"

Nick felt his eyes fill up, and he squeezed them tight. Why couldn't it just go away? Why couldn't they leave him alone; pretend, like him, that it had never happened. Suddenly he wanted to be four years old again, when there was nothing his mother's hugs couldn't cure, nothing his father's arms couldn't protect him from. He felt himself shaking his head and he kept shaking it, giving up control, letting his parents deal with everything. He turned and through his arms around his mother's neck and let the tears come.

Laura put her arms around Nick and let him sob on her shoulder, gently rubbing his back. John came over and stroked his hair. After a while, Nick's sobs calmed and his breathing slowed. John picked Nick up gently. "Put him in our bed," Laura said. John nodded. "I'll call Dr. Z tomorrow," he said softly.


	11. Chapter 11

AN: Sorry about the short chapter. But I promise I'll have a nice long one up within a week.

Nick was cheerful the next morning and he did his best to pretend that the previous night never happened. Laura and John thought it best not to press the matter, so they tried to act cheerful as well. However, Tommy saw through this at once, and as soon as he was alone with his parents he began his questioning.

"Is everything ok?" Tommy asked, while the others were getting ready for school.

"Of course," Laura said, trying to force a smile. "Everything… everything's fine."

"Mom, common, I'm not stupid. I can tell something's wrong. You and Dad have been acting funny since last night. So what's up?"

John sighed and looked at Laura. Laura turned away and started washing the dishes. "Is it Nick? Is that what it is? Is something wrong with him again? He seemed fine this morning."

Laura clanked the dishes loudly, leaving John to answer. "Yes Tommy. Your mother and I are concerned about Nick. He… we don't think he's gotten over what happened."

"Oh," Tommy said quietly, sinking down into a chair. There was a moments silence before he asked, "Why? He looks ok to me?"

"He hasn't been sleeping in his bed."

"Oh," Tommy said again. "Oh…"

The kitchen was quiet for a few minutes more. It was Laura who finally broke the silence. "You better get ready for school Tommy. You'll be late."

Tommy nodded and got up. He walked to the door, then turned back. "Look, if there's anything I can do… I mean… I'll help out however I can… If you guys need to… I'll even baby-sit."

Laura smiled. "Thanks Tommy."

That afternoon at work John tried to call Dr. Zaleigus, but realized he didn't have a number to contact her. He tried the phonebook, but couldn't find a business or home listing. Next he tried calling the hospital, but after being put on hold and transferred numerous times, he still hadn't reached anyone who could tell him how to reach Dr. Z, and his lunch hour was almost over. Frustrated, he finally asked the next person he talked to, if they couldn't give him a number for Dr. Z, could they at least give him a number for some child psychiatrist.

After being put on hold once more, the person finally came back to tell him that one of the nurses had a friend whose nephew was in counseling, and that they could give him the number for the psychiatrist he was seeing. Desperate, John copied down the number. With his remaining few minutes of free time, John called the number and managed to get an appointment for that Saturday.

"Do you think it's a good idea to take Nick to a different psychiatrist?" Laura asked later that night after John told her about his phone calls.

"I don't think we have much of a choice. Nicky needs help. We have to get him better as soon as possible."

"Your right. I was just thinking that Nick might not feel comfortable talking to a stranger. It took him a while to open up to Dr. Z and he still wouldn't talk to her about what happened."

"Well, he'll just have to open up to this new one. He's a tough kid. He'll be ok."

"I know," Laura said. "I got out the air mattress for Nick to sleep on. I figured that was better than letting him sleep on the floor."

John nodded. "How do you think Nick will react when we tell him about Saturday?"

"I don't know. I think he knows something will happen. He seemed like he wanted help last night."

"Maybe. Well, Nick doesn't have any choice in the matter. He has to go."

"I suppose so. I just don't want to make too big of an issue out of it. We don't want to make him feel like he did anything wrong."

"Of course he didn't do anything wrong. He knows that…. He knows that," John repeated softly.


	12. Chapter 12

AN: I know I promised this chapter sooner, but I got really busy, packing and getting ready to come back to school. Well I'm now so I finally have the chance to post. Sorry about the wait. Also, thanks to everyone for the reviews.

Nick sat slouched in the backseat of the car, his arms crossed, scowling severely. John glanced at him in the rearview mirror. "I certainly hope you're feeling a bit more civil when we get to the psychiatrist's." Nick's only response was a glare. His parents had told him the previous day that they were taking him to a new psychiatrist and he hadn't spoken to them since. "You know Nick, your mother and I are just trying to help you and do what's best for you. And at the moment, we believe that that would not be leaving you alone, however much you might want that."

Nick glared at the floor and continued to sulk. The truth was he didn't really know what he wanted. He knew he wanted everything to be back to normal, but he also knew that wouldn't happen. He wanted this whole thing to be over, and maybe seeing a psychiatrist would help with that, but he still didn't want to have to talk about his problems with another stranger.

John sighed and pulled into the parking lot of a tall office building. "Common Nick."

John led a reluctant Nick into the building, and after consulting the paper where he had scribbled his notes, they found the elevator and climbed to the 5th floor. After walking down several hallways they found the right office. The room they entered was small, with a few chairs and a desk behind a sheet of plexiglass. John talked to the receptionist, while Nick looked around.

Everything in the room seemed bright and cheery. Too cheery, thought Nick. The laughing, smiling, multicolor flowers that bordered the entire room at the top of the walls were a bit much. Some weirdo had apparently decided that hideously bright pink paint was the best background for these obscene flowers. The carpet was a pleasant blue color, and wouldn't have been too bad if it hadn't been for the giant fish with human eyes and smiling lips plastered all over it. Nick thought they were more scary than cheerful.

Apart from the horrible décor, the room was a lot like any other waiting room, except the chairs looked a bit more comfortable. There were several small tables with magazines on them, and a brightly colored toy box stood in one corner. Against another wall there was a small bookshelf crammed with books.

As John filled out some papers, Nick wandered over to look through the books. Ten minutes later, John finished the forms and handed them in, and soon after that a man in a suit came through a side door to greet them. "Hi there…" he glanced at the paper in his hand, "Mr. Stokes. And you must be Nick. I'm Dr. Balatro. You both can come with me." Nick stared at the man beaming down at him, horrified. No one was that cheerful. It wasn't natural. His horror increased when he saw the man was wearing a tie covered in yellow smiley faces.

With a gentle push from John, Nick followed the man through the door and into a long hallway. Dr. Balatro led them down the hall, stopping at the first door and opening it. "We're going to talk to your dad for a little bit Nick. You can wait in here." Nick glanced uncertainly at John.

"It's ok Nick. Go on." Nick took a step closer to the door and cautiously peered in. The room was full of bright colors, but as far as Nick could see there were no possessed fish or flowers. Nick took another step in and saw the room was full of toys and games. There were several small tables and chairs, as well as a circle of beanbag chairs near several low bookshelves. In one corner a table was piled high with handheld electronic games.

"Go ahead Nick," Dr. Balatro said. "You can do anything you want. All the toys in this room are here for you to play with."

"Go on," John repeated, and Nick stepped into the room. The door closed behind him, and Dr. Balatro led John further down the hall.

"I'm actually not the doctor who will be seeing Nick. I'm going on vacation for a couple weeks and we feel it would be best for Nick to see someone consistently. So he will be with Dr. Gravis. Ah, here we are." He stopped in front of a door, knocked, and opened it without waiting for a reply. "Mr. Stokes is here," he said brightly.

A man in a somber colored suit stood up from behind his desk. He nodded dismissively to Dr. Balatro, and reached out a hand to John. "Mr. Stokes. I'm Dr. Gravis. Please have a seat," he said, indicating a chair in front of his desk. Dr. Gravis seemed to be the total opposite of Dr. Balatro. He was calm and serious, almost businesslike. His voice was soft and kind, but he did not have the bouncy attitude of the other doctor.

"So, Mr. Stokes, you are here about your son?" He rifled through the papers on his desk for a minute. "Um… Nick, I believe?" His eyes flicked up for conformation.

"Yes," John said, nodding.

"And how old is Nick?"

"He's nine," John answered, wondering suddenly why he felt like he was back in law school, being questioned by one of his tougher, least favorite proffesor.

"Hmm… and why exactly did you bring Nick to us?" Dr. Gravis looked up expectantly, a pen in his hand, hovering over a pad of paper on his desk. "I always prefer to hear it directly from the people involved, rather than just reading the file. Files are so impersonal."

"Well, I suppose the main reason we decided to bring him in now is because he hasn't been sleeping in his bed."

"I see. How long has this been going on?"

"A little over a month."

The pen, which had been scribbling over the paper suddenly stopped, and Dr. Gravis looked up. "Ah. A month…. And you didn't find this alarming before now?"

"Well, we didn't exactly know about it until a few days ago."

"I see." Dr. Gravis continued his writing. "And where had he been sleeping?"

"Before we found out he was sleeping on the floor of his room, in a sleeping bag. But for the past few nights he's slept on an air mattress in his brother's room."

"Hmmm. So it is only his own bed that he refuses to sleep in?"

"Yes."

"I see. Have you had any problems of this nature with him before?"

"No."

"Hmm. And do you have any idea what may have caused this sudden behavior?"

"Well, yes… actually. I have a fairly good idea."

"Well…?"

John took a deep breath. "Last month Nick was… he was sexually assaulted by his babysitter. It happened in his bedroom. In his bed."

Again Dr. Gravis' pen stopped mid-scribble. After a moment he said, "Ah. I see. And Nick hasn't been seeing a psychiatrist about this?" he asked quietly.

John's temper flared at the accusatory tone in the doctor's voice. "Look, he was in the hospital for a week and he saw a psychiatrist while he was there. After it first happened Nick wouldn't talk, but the psychiatrist helped him to start again. When he was released she said he may have some issues about not accepting what happened, but he seemed fine. We… we thought he was ok."

Dr. Gravis nodded. "It's a common misconception. When a child goes through something traumatic, they often try to block it out pretend as though nothing happened. It also seems to happen with the family members. They readily believe the child when he tells them that he is all right.

"It seems that things are slightly more complicated in Nick's case. He tries to block it out, but because he sleeps in the same room where it happened, he is constantly reminded of it. Part of him wants to pretend it never happened, and for things to be normal again, but another part won't let things be normal. That part won't let him sleep in his bed, because he is scared and still traumatized by what happened."

"Oh," was all John could think of to say.

"Well, we better not waste any more time. I need to start sessions with Nick right away," Dr. Gravis said, standing up. "You can go back to the waiting room, and I'll go get Nick."


	13. Chapter 13

After seeing John back to the waiting room, Dr. Gravis went back down the hall to a door next to the entrance to the playroom. He unlocked the room, stepped in, and closed the door behind him. He typed in his password on the computer, then turned around to face the screen that had lit up with footage from the playroom.

Dr. Gravis had insisted on the installation of hidden cameras in the playroom. Many other psychiatrists used one-way mirrors, but Dr. Gravis believed that some children felt self-conscious with a large dark mirror staring at them from the wall. Kids aren't stupid, they know they're being watched, particularly the ones that had been to psychiatrists before.

He found Nick sitting on the floor, playing intently with a handheld game. He watched for a minute before turning off the screen and leaving the room, locking the door behind him.

When Nick had first entered the room, he had been the only one there. Then after about 10 minutes, another little boy was led in by Dr. Balatro, who waved cheerfully to Nick before leaving. Nick continued to play his game, but glanced up curiously at the other boy. Upon entering the room, the boy immediately went over to a corner where several dolls were arranged on shelves.

The boy picked up a doll and sat down, stroking the dolls hair. Suddenly the boy yelled, and started banging the doll on the ground screaming, "Bad, bad, bad, bad!" Nick stared, fascinated and scared. Suddenly the boy stopped, and carefully cradled the doll in his arms. A minute later, a woman entered the room and approached the boy. She sat down next to him and began talking to him. Nick went back to his game.

A few minutes later, a man in a neat, dark suit entered, and walked over to him. "Nick? I'm Dr. Gravis. I'll be working with you."

"Where's Dr. Balatro?" Suddenly Nick felt he'd be more comfortable with the other man, however ridiculous he may have appeared.

"Dr. Balatro has a full caseload. I'll be working with you," he repeated, smiling. "Come with me." Nick looked reluctantly down at his game. "You can bring that with you, if you'd like."

"Ok," Nick said, standing up. It had been Dr. Gravis' experience that it was always better to let the children bring whatever toy they had been playing with in the playroom to at least the first few sessions. It made them feel more comfortable, and more open to talking.

He led Nick down the hall to his office. Nick cautiously followed him in, and was only half surprised to find that the office décor matched the man's suit. The colors were dark and somber, not unpleasant, but not the bright cheery atmosphere of the waiting room and the playroom. It was the kind of room you could talk about serious things in without feeling like an idiot. Nick found it almost refreshing after the forced cheerfulness of the other rooms.

"Have a seat," Dr. Gravis said, indicating a selection of armchairs and couches in the corner of his office. Nick cautiously perched on the edge of the smaller of the armchairs, while Dr. Gravis took the couch. "So Nick, I think you know why we're here." Nick stared down at his game. "Nick? Can you tell me why you're here?" Nick half-shrugged, and went back to playing his game.

"I don't see happy healthy kids, Nick. I see troubled kids, kids who have been hurt or are scared. Everyone who comes here has a problem. So what's your problem Nick?" Nick stared intently at the screen of his game. "Nick?"

"I worry my parents," Nick said eventually.

"How do you worry your parents…? What do you do that makes them worry?"

Nick continued to punch the buttons on his game. "I don't do it on purpose," he said without looking up.

"Can you tell me more about that?" Dr. Gravis paused a moment, but Nick didn't respond. "Why do your parents worry? You said you don't mean to make them worry, but maybe sometimes you do things that make them worry. What kinds of things do you do?" Nick made a point of not looking up. "Nick?"

"My parents worry about a lot of stuff."

"Can you tell me what some of them are?" Dr. Gravis prompted.

For a minute, Dr. Gravis didn't think Nick would answer, but he finally said, "Their jobs. Us kids. My oldest sister's in college. My brother spends more time playing basketball then he does on his schoolwork. They worry that they don't spend enough time with us. Mom worries about the people she helps at work. Daddy worries about taxes."

Dr. Gravis smiled. "Don't we all. But Nick, what I'm really interested in is why they worry about you." Nick half-shrugged again. "Nick, why do your parents worry about you?"

"I'm the youngest. Parents always worry about their youngest."

"But didn't something happen recently that really made them worry? Something that happened to you?"

Nick pushed the buttons harder than was really necessary. "Why don't you ask them," he suggested stiffly.

"I don't want to hear it from them. I want to hear it from you." Dr. Gravis paused for a minute. "Nick? Nick, I need you to talk to me." Nick focused all his attention on the small screen of his game, and savagely pushed the buttons in. "Nick," Dr. Gravis said leaning forward. "I need you to put the game down and talk to me."

"I don't want to talk," Nick muttered.

"But that's why we're here. You're here so you and I can talk, so that you can get better. Don't you want to feel better? Don't you want this to be over? Please put the game down now. You can play with it again later, after we talk."

Nick flicked the power switch on the game and put it down on the small table. He drew his legs up to his chest and pulled them in tightly. He pulled his head down and hunched his shoulders in.

"Can you tell me what happened to you Nick?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"I told you Nick. We have to talk. That's why we're here. It would be very boring for us to sit here staring at each other. And it won't help you."

"You said we're here to talk. We can talk. Just about something else."

"But talking about something else won't help you get better."

"But I don't _want_ to talk about it. And I get upset when I have to talk about things I don't want to talk about. When I get upset, I might stop talking. And _that _worries my parents. So if you make me talk about it, I'll get upset, and I might stop talking and then my parents will be upset and they won't make me come and see you anymore."

It was the longest speech Nick had made, and it greatly disturbed Dr. Gravis. "You like using you silence as a weapon, don't you?"

"I don't know what you mean," Nick said innocently. "You said that everyone here has problems. Maybe my problem is that when I get upset, I stop talking."

"Nick, you and I both know that that's your choice."

Nick shrugged. "Even if that was true, my parents don't know that."

"I could tell them."

"I'm their son. They'd believe me."

"I thought you weren't talking." Nick scowled. "We have a problem here Nick. I think we both can agree on that. Do you want to know what I think that problem is?" Nick remained silent. "I think that you are a very smart boy. You have figured out how to manipulate the system. Maybe the first time you stopped talking, it wasn't your idea. But after that, you realized that you could use your silence to get what you wanted.

"You're a smart boy Nick, but I also think that you're a very scared and very hurt little boy. Something terrible happened to you, and you're trying to deal with that. But you don't have to deal with it alone. Your parents and I want to help you. But you have to talk to us. Please talk to me Nick. Let me help you."

While Dr. Gravis had been talking, Nick was drawing himself in tighter and tighter. "I know it's scary to face what happened. But the sooner you face it, the sooner you can get better."

"Nothing happened," Nick said forcefully.

"Now Nick, you know that's not true."

"IT IS!" Nick insisted.

"Nick, you know something happened. About a month ago. Your parents left you with a babysitter." Nick slid his hands up to cover his ears.

"They left you alone with a babysitter," Dr. Gravis said, loud enough for Nick to hear him. "When they were gone she did something to you. It happened in your bedroom, right?" Nick pressed harder against his ears. "She came into your room… She got into your bed… What happened next Nick? Are you going to say it or do I have to…?" He paused a moment. Nick had his eyes squeezed shut tight, and was pressing in on his ears with his hands so hard it hurt. "She got into bed with you Nick, didn't she, and then she-"

Nick snapped. "Stop it!" he yelled, jumping up. "Stop it, stop it, stopit, stopitstopit!" Dr. Gravis watched him calmly. "Leave me alone, leave me alone!" Nick yelled, grabbing the game off the table and throwing it against the wall as hard as he could. The game smashed into dozens of pieces that went flying across the room and rolled into various corners. Nick collapsed onto the floor, repeating, "stopitstopitstopitstopit," over and over again.

Dr. Gravis smiled grimly. "Thank you Nick. I'm going to go get your father now, and he'll take you home. I'll see you next time."


	14. Chapter 14

Dr. Gravis left Nick in his office, and went out into the hall. He leaned against the wall for a moment, and took several deep, calming breaths. He was always shaken after a rough session like the one with Nick. Several times he had actually been physically sick. He knew in his mind that it was all part of the healing process, that it had to happen before the children got better, that acceptance, even if it was forced, was the first step in recovery. But he couldn't help feeling an extreme guilt every time he saw one of his patients breakdown, saw them sobbing, giving up control.

Nick had been in severe denial, and was stubbornly determined to remain that way. He had forced Nick to hear spoken out loud what he had been denying. Dr. Gravis sighed. Kids never seemed to like him. Not at first anyway; maybe after the first several sessions, or at the end, or even years later they were grateful to him for helping them, but he had the impression that they never really _liked_ him.

The kids generally like Dr. Balatro. They thought he was a little weird, a bit of an idiot perhaps, but they liked him. Of course, Dr. Balatro also had more of the long-term patients. Dr. Gravis himself had more short-term patients, those who had one or two issues that could be worked through within several months. He just had to push them over the edge, and then help them climb back up.

Oh well, he thought. His job wasn't to be liked, it was to help. And he did help. He had helped a lot of kids over the years. _But at what cost?_ asked a small voice of doubt. Dr. Gravis shook his head, ran a hand down his face, and walked down the hall towards the waiting room.

John looked up when Dr. Gravis walked in. "How's Nick?" he asked, standing up.

"He's in my office."

"What's wrong?" John asked, sensing something.

"Nick is ok. He's just a bit upset. We're done with out session for today. Have you set up your next appointment?"

"I'd like to see him once a week, twice if possible."

"Oh. All right."

"We'll set that up, when ever's best for you. Now I think it would be best for you to come get Nick."

"Come get him? What's wrong with him? Why can't he come out here?"

"As I said, he's pretty upset," Dr. Gravis said, leading John down the hallway. "He'll be ok. I just brought up some things Nick was not comfortable talking about." Dr. Gravis opened the door to his office and stepped in, closely followed by John. John's eyes flicked around the room, looking for his son. At first he didn't register the huddled figure at the foot of the chair.

"Nick? Nicky?" He rushed over and knelt down by his son. As soon as Nick realized it was his father, he threw his arms around John's neck and clung there.

"What the hell have you done to my son!" John demanded.

"Mr. Stokes, please calm down."

"Calm down? First you tell me what you did to Nick. He wasn't like this when he came in here."

"Nick has made some progress today."

"You call this progress!"

"Mr. Stokes, please. We don't want to upset Nick."

"Upset Nick! I think he's all ready upset."

"Mr. Stokes! Despite what it looks like, Nick has made progress. Sometimes we need to go backwards to go forwards."

John gave a disbelieving snort.

"You're a lawyer, I believe, Mr. Stokes?"

"D.A."

"So you went to college, probably a very good one, spent a lot of money."

"Yes, but I don't-"

"And you went to law school, spent more money."

"I don't see what this has to do-"

"You spent a lot of money on your education, didn't you."

"I suppose. Look, what does this-"

"Why?"

"What?"

"Why did you spend all that money?"

"Why? What is the point of all this?"

"You spent a lot of money, so you could become a lawyer, so you could get a good job, so you could make money. You lost money, so you could make money. Backwards to go forwards."

John was silent for a moment, then said grudgingly, "I'll give you that."

"The same principle applies to Nick. He wouldn't accept what happened to him, and he never would if he was left alone. I can't help him if he won't work with me. So I forced him to accept what happened, or at least start to. And that was very hard for Nick. But things will get better."

John remained silent, absently stroking Nick's hair. "Well, I'm not a psychiatrist, so I guess I'll have to take your word for it."

"I would appreciate that."

John nodded. "I'll call to set up the next appointment."

"It would be best if you could arrange for the same time each week. Consistence helps sometimes."

John nodded again. He turned to leave, but noticed several electronic pieces scattered around on the carpet. "What happened?" John asked, looking around and seeing more pieces and the remains of what had once been the game.

"Ah, that. Nothing. Just a minor incident."

"Did Nick do this?" he asked apprehensively.

"Outburst are typical at this stage."

"I'm sorry," John said. "I'll pay you for it."

"That really won't be necessary. The father of one of my old patients works for the company that builds them. He sends us some every time they come out with something new."

"I still feel bad."

"It's not a big deal. I don't blame Nick in the least."

"Thnaks… and, I'm sorry."

"I told you Mr. Stokes, it's not-"

"I mean, for my outburst. I was just… worried about Nick."

"Perfectly understandable. This is a hard time for all of you. Have you considered family counseling?"

John looked at him. "Why? My family doesn't need counseling." Before Dr. Gravis could reply, John was out the door, still holding Nick.

John carried Nick all the way out of the building, and set him down in the backseat of the car. Nick's eyes were puffy red, and he was gulping in large gasping breaths. John knelt down in front of his son, and carefully pushed Nick's hair back from his forehead. "You ok, Nicky?"

"I don't want to go back there. You're not going to make me go back there are you?"

John sighed. "We'll talk about it when we get home."


	15. Chapter 15

Nick sat in the living room with his parents. They had been in the same position almost a week ago, Nick thought. At that time his parents decided to send him to the psychiatrist; this time Nick hoped that they would decide he didn't have to go back. Nick thought he had a pretty good case; his parents never liked it when he was upset.

"Nick, I want to talk about what happened with Dr. Gravis yesterday," John began.

Nick expected this, and had prepared. "It's ok Dad. I'm feeling better. It's not all Dr. Gravis' fault. He was _probably_ just trying to do his job." For good measure Nick added, "You don't need to sue him or anything." Nick tried to look brave and gracious as he smiled.

John almost laughed. "I'm glad to hear you say that Nick. After all, I have no intention of suing Dr. Gravis. And I think that you are right about him doing his job." Nick's smile faded slightly. "But I'm glad that you don't hold anything against Dr. Gravis. He'll be pleased to hear it." Nick completely dropped his smile. This was not going the way he hoped it would. "Dr. Gravis asked me not to make a big deal about it, but when you go back tomorrow-"

"What!" Nick leaped up from his chair. "You're making me go back?"

"Nick sweetie," Laura began.

"How can you make me go back? You saw what he did to me!"

"Calm down Nick."

"But… but… I can't go back."

"Why not?"

"He… he… he'll… you saw what he did," Nick said desperately.

"Dr. Gravis seems to think he's helping. He says you're starting to make progress."

"Nick, we want to help you sweetie," Laura said.

"But I don't _want_ to go back."

"It's not up for discussion Nick. You're going back tomorrow, and every Monday and Thursday until Dr. Gravis says you can stop. I'm sorry that you don't like it Nick. But you're mother and I just want what's best for you, and you won't always like it. Now when you go back tomorrow I want you to apologize to Dr. Gravis for breaking his game."

"What!"

"Dr. Gravis said it was not a big deal, and that he wasn't upset about it, so you're not in trouble for it, but there is never any reason to destroy some one's property like that, even if you are upset. So you will apologize to Dr. Gravis."

"No!" Nick said defiantly, surprising even himself. There was a silence and Nick gulped. He knew better than to directly defy and disobey his parents. He had only done it once or twice before and had always been made to deeply regret it. He also knew from his older siblings it wasn't wise to press his luck in such matters. Nick watched his father apprehensively, wondering what was going to happen.

"Nicky," his dad said finally. "I know you're upset. I understand that this is hard for you. I'd do anything for things to be different, anything to make this not necessary. Anything. But I can't Nick, I can't change what happened. All I can do is try my best to help. So we have to go through with this. And we can't forget what's important. So you still need to apologize. Understood?"

Nick slowly nodded.

"Good." John sighed. "I love you Nick. Never forget that."

Nick walked out into the hallway and found Tommy standing there. "Hey Nickster, I'm going down to the park, you wanna come play some basketball?"

"Um… I don't really-"

"Great" Tommy said, reaching down and picking Nick up. "Let's go." He tossed Nick over his shoulder and strode into the living room where their parents were.

"Hey, little squirt here and I are going to the park."

"Tommy, I'm not sure if that's really-"

"Go ahead," John cut in. "You two have fun. Be back by dinner."

"We will. Thanks." Tommy walked out with Nick still protesting.

"John, do you really think that was a good idea?"

"Why not? It'll be good for Nick to spend some time with Tommy. He needs a good male influence."

"You're a good male influence."

"I'm his father. He might be more comfortable talking to his brother. I know I was; I told my brothers plenty of things that I would never have considered telling my father. Besides, Tommy's been busy lately and they haven't had much time to spend together. Nick will enjoy the attention."

"He didn't look very happy."

"Well, sometimes big brother knows best. He'll be fine."

"I know," Laura said. "I just worry about him."

"Put me down, Tommy!" Nick protested as soon as they were out of the living room.

"Will you come peacefully?" Tommy asked, scooping up his basketball and walking out of the house.

"I guess so," mumbled Nick.

"What was that?"

"All right, fine."

"Promise?"

"Tommy!"

"Promise first."

"Ok, I promise you big bully. Put me down."

Tommy set Nick down on the ground. "There you go little squirt."

"Don't call me little squirt."

"Don't call me big bully."

"But you are a big bully."

"And you're a little squirt."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"AM NOT!"

"Are too!"

"Dee two," Nick said laughing.

Tommy laughed too, and reached out to ruffle Nick's hair, but Nick ducked away and tried to snatch the basketball from him. Tommy grinned and held it over Nick's head, just out of reach. Nick made a jump for it and missed. "Hey, what's that?" Nick asked suddenly.

"What?" Tommy asked, turning to look.

"Race ya," Nick said, taking advantage of Tommy's turned back to get a head start.

"Hey, no fair. Get back here you little squirt." Tommy sprinted down the street after Nick. The park was only a few blocks away, and Tommy let his little brother win. They both flopped down on the grass next to the basketball courts.

"You're pretty fast Nicky. You should try out for track."

"Naa, I'm gonna play baseball."

They lay panting for a minute before Tommy spoke again. "Listen Nick, I wanted to talk to you."

Nick looked at his brother warily.

"I overheard you talking with Mom and Dad. I can't believe you're still alive. Take it from me, 'no' is not a word they like to hear. Last time I did it I got an hour long lecture from Dad and was grounded for a week."

"That was because Dad told you you had to stay home from practice and do that report and you snuck out anyway."

"Yeah, the point is that I told Dad no and that I didn't have to do what he said. But you know Nick, we do have to do what they say. They're our parents, they know what's best for us."

Nick was silent, not sure where this conversation was going.

"Look, I know you don't like to talk about… you know… what happened." Nick stiffened. "We don't have to talk about it now," Tommy said quickly. "I just want you to know that what happened wasn't right. That's… that's not the way it was supposed to be. It should be… well… good… and not… you know." Tommy shrugged, finding this much harder than he imagined. "You're nine, and… I hoped I could teach you all about women and stuff when you were a bit older. But…. Well anyway, I just wanted to tell you that if you have any questions about anything, that maybe you wouldn't want to ask Dad, you can ask me. I'm here for you Nicky. I… I won't let anything happen to you again. I promise. I'm always gonna look out for you."

A long silence followed. "Can we play basketball now?" Nick asked eventually.

"Sure," Tommy said, happy to return to more comfortable territory. "So what do you wanna play, one-on-one, around the world, horse…"?

"Around the world. I've been practicing. I'll beat you this time."

"Oh you think so?"

"I know so."

"Oh aren't we confident. But how can you shoot baskets when you're laughing too hard?" Tommy asked as he dived on Nick and began tickling him.

Nick howled with laughter. "Get off Tom-Tom."

Tommy laughed and grabbed the basketball off the ground, running towards the nearest hoop. Nick jumped up and ran after him, the uncomfortable conversation temporarily forgotten.


	16. Chapter 16

The next day after Nick got out of school, John drove him to Dr. Gravis' office. Nick made his protests known, but didn't pursue it too far because he knew better than to push his luck. John led Nick up to the fifth floor, and into the waiting room. Nick immediately slouched into a chair, while John went to sign him in. After a few minutes Dr. Gravis came into the room. "Ready Nick?" he asked.

Nick took as long as possible sliding out of his chair. "Nick has something to say to you Dr. Gravis," John said, stepping forward. Dr. Gravis looked down at Nick. "Nick?" John prompted.

"msrry" Nick mumbled.

"Nick!"

"I'm sorry," Nick growled.

"What are you sorry for Nick?" Dr. Gravis asked.

"I'm sorry I broke your game." Nick answered through clenched teeth.

"I appreciate your apology Nick, but it doesn't sound like you really mean it. I don't want you to say things you don't mean."

Nick glared at his father and Dr. Gravis.

"You're mad at me Nick. I can understand that. And you don't want to be here. You don't want to have to talk to me because I make you talk about things you are uncomfortable with."

"Stop telling me how I feel, you don't know me, you don't know how I feel!"

"You are right, I don't know exactly how you feel. But that's why you are here. If you tell how you are feeling, then maybe I can help make the bad feelings go away."

"I don't want to talk with you!" Nick yelled. He was boiling over with frustration. He didn't want to be here, talking this man who calmly voiced Nick's own thoughts and feelings aloud. He wanted them all to go away, to leave him alone.

"But I can help you Nick. I know you want help."

"Shut up! I don't want to listen to you! Leave me alone, I don't want to talk to some stupid idiot who thinks he knows how I feel!" Nick shouted, putting his hands over his ears.

John looked shocked and opened his mouth but Nick spoke first. "I'm sorry Dr. Gravis, I didn't mean that," Nick said to the floor. He hadn't meant to shout out loud.

"That's all right Nick. You are allowed to say how you feel here."

"Maybe this is a bad idea," John said. "Maybe I should take Nick home and-"

"No, no, I think Nick should be here. Don't worry about what Nick said, I've been called much worse." Dr. Gravis turned to look at Nick. "So, are you ready to come to my office?"

"I don't want to," Nick muttered, but he followed Dr. Gravis down the hall. As soon as they entered Dr. Gravis' office, Nick sat down in his chair and immediately pulled his knees up to his chest.

"So Nick, how have you been?"

Nick didn't answer, but unlike Dr. Z, Dr. Gravis didn't move on, but waited. There were several minutes of silence. "Is it really that hard a question?" Dr. Gravis asked finally.

"I'm ok," Nick said grudgingly.

"I think I better explain some things Nick, let you know how I work. There are rules here Nick, rules that I will follow, and rules that I need you to follow. I want to help you. In order for me to help you, you need to talk. If I ask you a question, I expect some form of an answer. In return, I will do my best to help you, and get you out of here as soon as possible, since that seems to be your goal.

"I don't want you to be afraid to tell me things Nick. One of the rules I have to follow is that I can't tell other people what you say to me."

"You mean like my parents?"

"Yes, if there's something that you want to tell me that you do not want your parents to know, I won't tell them, unless I think it is in your best interest that they know. I am also obligated to alert proper authorities if you tell me anything that may be a danger to yourself or another person."

"Like what?"

"Well, I once had a patient who told me that her father was physically abusing her. I had to tell social services, so they could get her out of that house, so she wouldn't get hurt any more."

"So you'll only tell people what I say if I'm getting hurt?"

"Sometimes, if I don't know how to deal with a problem, I may ask one of my colleagues for their opinion, but I would never say your name. I want you to be able to trust me Nick; trust me enough to tell me some of your secrets."

"Who says I have secrets?"

"The fact that you're here tells me you have secrets. And the fact that you refuse to talk about certain things." There was another period of silence, with Nick staring at the floor and refusing to look at Dr. Gravis. "I'll make you a deal, Nick. For the first half of the session, we can talk about whatever you want to. After that, we do or talk about what I want to. Deal?"

"What would we have to talk about?"

"I think you know the answer to that. We wouldn't always have to talk during my time," Dr. Gravis said quickly, seeing Nick start to withdraw. "Sometimes we'd do other things to."

"What kind of things?"

"Well, sometimes we'll play games, or I might ask you to draw things or write about things, or listen to or read something, maybe watch something. But the deal is for all the way Nick. If we talk about what you want, then we have to talk about what I want."

"What if there's nothing I want to talk about?" Nick asked stubbornly.

"Well then we can go right to what I want to talk about. I have plenty of topics I have ready to discuss with you. But we can talk about anything. Sports, school, your friends and family. Whatever."

"And what if I don't want to talk about what you want to talk about?"

"That would be your choice of course. You have the right to make your own decision. But if you choose not to talk then we can sit here and stare at each other. You're decision." Dr. Gravis sat back and looked at Nick.

Nick sat silently. Dr. Gravis had to be joking. Psychiatrists liked to hear themselves talk, so Dr. Gravis would eventually talk if he didn't. Nick remained silent, determined to be stubborn and hold out for a better deal, preferably one where he didn't have to talk and could go home.

After ten minutes of sitting in silence, Nick's resolve began to dim. He was bored with watching the clock and he was beginning to think Dr. Gravis wasn't going to break the silence. Well, he could always clamp up again if Dr. Gravis tried to get him to talk about things he didn't want to.

"Ok," Nick said.

"Good. One more rule Nick. If I ask you a question and you don't answer it, we don't move on until you do. That includes moving on to the next session. Understand?"

Nick scowled. "You're a weird psychiatrist. Dr. Z never made me do that."

"Who is Dr. Z?"

"A woman I saw at the hospital. A psychiatrist."

"Dr. Z… would that be Dr. Zalegus?"

"Yeah."

"And she didn't make you talk or answer her questions?"

"No!" Nick said rebelliously.

"I find that hard to believe."

"Well, she didn't at first," Nick said grudgingly. "Then she said I had to but the doctor said I didn't have to stay at the hospital any more so I went home and didn't have to answer her questions."

"So you didn't see Dr. Zalegus after that?"

Nick shook his head.

"Hmm. Well, we have about 10 minutes left, so what would you like to talk about?"

Nick shrugged.

"Do you like school?" Dr. Gravis prompted.

Again Nick shrugged. "It's ok. We're doing word problems in math and some kids think they're hard but I don't think they're too bad."

"So you do well in school?"

"I do ok. I'm not the best in my class. My best friend Corey is though. I know cause he always does real well on tests and always does his homework. Some kids don't do their homework. I usually do, but sometimes I forget."

"Do you have a favorite subject?"

"I like science. It's lots of fun. I really like it when we do experiments. A while ago we were doing group science projects and my teacher really liked the one my friends and I did. And last year we had a science fair and I entered a project and won first place for my grade," Nick said proudly.

"Congratulations. It sounds like you really enjoy science. Are you going to be scientist when you grow up?"

Nick frowned slightly, thinking. "I think I'm supposed to be a lawyer. Or a cop."

"What do you mean you're 'supposed to be a lawyer'?"

"Well, my dad's a DA, which means he's a real important lawyer, and my mom goes to court and helps people who don't have anyone else to help them."

"Ah, I see. So they want you to follow in their footsteps?"

"They never said I had to, but I want to make them happy."

"I think they'll be happy if you are happy Nick." Dr. Gravis said. Nick shrugged. "Well, thanks for talking to me today Nick. That's about all the time we have today."

"You mean it's time to go home?" Nick asked, surprised.

"Yup. See how fast time goes when we actually talk instead of sitting around?" Dr. Gravis said, standing up.

Nick shrugged, also standing and following Dr. Gravis out to the waiting room.


	17. Chapter 17

Nick looked up from his math worksheet and stared at the clock. It didn't seem to have moved at all since he last looked. This last half-hour before lunch and recess always seemed to move so slowly. His teacher walked past, and tapped her pencil on his desk. She looked down at him with her "no-nonsense, you-better-get-to-work" face and he grinned sheepish at her and went back to his worksheet.

Finally, ten minutes later, the teacher told her class to put their things away. Nick willingly did so, then grinned across the room at his best friend Corey and their friend Sam. Their desks were arranged into 4 groups, and at one time the three boys had all been at the same group, but the teacher quickly changed that. Now TJ was the only one of Nick's close friends at his table, and he sat in the desk across from Nick.

"Hey Nick, I got a surprise to tell everyone, but I'm not telling 'til recess."

"What kind of surprise?"

"Not telling," TJ said.

"Oh come on, at least tell us at lunch."

"Nope. Have to wait 'til recess."

"Fine." Nick said, pretending not to care. They did this to each other all the time, and Nick knew that if he feigned indifference TJ would spill soon enough. "Hey, what did you think of-"

"TJ and Nick! Unless the two of you want to spend your recess with me, I suggest you close your mouths."

"Sorry Mrs. Powers," they chorused together, and grinned at each other, then ducked their heads to keep from laughing. With quiet restored, Mrs. Powers lined the students up by the door, keeping Nick and TJ until last. "Remember, no talking in the hallways," she said, glancing meaningfully at the miscreants in the back. "This is third grade, I shouldn't have to tell you."

As soon as lunch was over, Nick and his friends ran out onto the playground, and to their favorite spot in the top of the jungle gym. "So what's the big secret?" Nick demanded as soon as they were settled.

"Well," TJ started, trying to build up the suspense, "it's something really cool and-"

"Just spill it or we'll push you off," Corey demanded.

"Ok, ok. I got my own room. My parents let my brother move into the old guestroom."

"Cool," Nick said. "I remember when I got mine."

"Yeah, all the way back last year," Corey said, laughing.

"I wish I had my own room," said Sam, who shared with two younger brothers.

"And that's not all," TJ said, grinning. "My parents said I get to decorate it any way I want, and you guys can come over today and help me."

"Awesome!" Corey said. "Do we get to paint?"

"Yeah, as long as we're careful. My dad said he'll take us to the hardware store to pick out the colors."

"That's going to be so much fun. I have to ask my mom though," Sam said. "But I'm sure she'll say yes."

"And my dad says we can even get pizza for dinner. So we can take the bus home and you can all ask your parents and then we'll go to my house." The friends all lived within several blocks of each other. "So what colors do you think we should get?" The friends spent the next several minutes excitedly discussing the painting project. Only Nick stayed quiet, staring at the ground.

"What's wrong Nick?" Corey asked, suddenly realizing his friend wasn't joining in.

"I can't go," Nick mumbled.

"What?" Corey asked, hoping he had heard wrong.

"I can't go," Nick said louder.

"Why not?" TJ asked.

"Are you grounded?" Corey demanded suspiciously.

"No!" Nick said quickly, then wished he'd said yes. That would have been easier to explain than the truth.

"Well then why not?" TJ asked. "You haven't even asked yet."

"I… I have something else I have to do," Nick mumbled, for once wishing he were somewhere other than with his friends.

"Like what?" Corey asked.

"Well I… I…" Inspiration struck. "I have to go to the doctor."

"Why? You aren't sick."

"Well, actually," Nick said, "it's from when I was sick before. The doctor thinks there might be something really wrong with me so I have to keep going back for tests and stuff. I have to go, like, twice a week." There. That would take of any questions about why he wouldn't be around on Mondays and Thursdays for weeks to come. And it wasn't even _really_ a lie.

"Whoa. Are you gonna be ok?" Corey asked.

Nick grinned. His friends were impressed by his story. "Yeah, I'll be fine."

"Well, I guess you gotta go to the doctor and get better, but it's too bad you can't come over. Hey, how long do you have to be at the doctors?"

"Probably, like, an hour and a half."

"Well, when you get back, you can call me. We'll probably still be working. You can come over then and help. At least you'll make it in time for pizza."

Nick grinned. He hadn't thought about that. "Ok. Maybe I can have my dad drop me off at your house on the way home."

"See? It'll work out." Corey said.

"Hey look, there's a free ball. Let's go play basketball." The friends scrambled down and ran to grab the ball before someone else got to it.

The more Nick thought it over the rest of that day, the more he decided that he could convince his parents to let him skip his session with Dr. Gravis. After all, it was Dr. Gravis who said that his parents wanted him to be happy, and being able to go over to TJ's house would make him happy.

After Nick got home from school, instead of playing games and goofing off like he normally did, he started working on his homework. By the time his dad got home 45 minutes later, Nick had finished his math worksheet and started copying his spelling words.

"Hurry up, Nick, my last appointment ran late, so we leave now. Common."

"Umm… Dad?"

"What is it Nick?" John asked, sighing.

"Well, uh…" Nick had suddenly lost his confidence. The big speech he had planned out fled from his mind.

"Nick, we really need to go. We're going to be late."

"Do I have to go?" Nick blurted out.

John sighed. "Nick, we've been over this."

"But TJ's having a sort-of a party at his house, and we're going to paint his room and then we're going to get pizza. And I want to go."

"You shouldn't have made plans Nick. You knew you had something else you had to do."

"I told 'em I couldn't go," Nick mumbled to the floor.

"If you all ready knew what I'd say, why are you even asking?"

"Can I at least go after I'm done with Dr. Gravis?"

"Is that ok with TJ and his parents?"

"Sure."

"Well, I guess it's all right. IF you behave yourself with Dr. Gravis. No throwing things or being rude, understand?"

Nick nodded.

"All right. Let's go. We're really going to be late now."


	18. Chapter 18

Sitting in the car on the way to Dr. Gravis', Nick regained some of his confidence and indignation. It wasn't fair. Why shouldn't he be allowed to go to his friend's house after school? Why did his parents and Dr. Gravis have to ruin everything? Why couldn't everyone leave him alone! By the time they arrived at Dr. Gravis' office, Nick was firmly sunk in a bad mood, and he had forgotten his promise to his father.

Nick's mood did not improve when they reached to waiting room. He glared around at the grinning flowers and demented fish. One of his weekly vocab words came to mind. Hideous. That's what the waiting room was, hideous. Hideous, hideous, hideous. Stupid, hideous waiting room. Stupid, hideous wallpaper. Stupid, hideous carpet. Nick kicked angrily at the carpet, until his father told him to stop. After a few minutes Dr. Gravis came out.

"Come on in, Nick." Nick slumped off his chair and sulkily followed him down the hall. "So Nick, what would you like to talk about today?" Dr. Gravis asked when they were both seated. Nick glared down at the floor. He didn't want to talk about anything. He didn't want to be here. "Anything at all, Nick." The image of the ugly waiting room came into Nick's mind. Before he could think, Nick blurted out, "I think your waiting room is hideous!"

As soon as he said it, he regretted it. He instantly remembered his agreement with his father. What if Dr. Gravis told his dad what he said? Nick was sure his comment would fall into the rude category. Nick looked up quickly to see Dr. Gravis' reaction. To his utter surprise, Dr. Gravis threw back his head and laughed. Nick was confused and scared by this bizarre response. "I… I'm sorry."

Dr. Gravis laughed again. "Oh Nick, you're the first person who has had the nerve to tell me that."

"Are you mad?"

"Of course not," Dr. Gravis laughed. "I told you before that you are always allowed to say how you feel here." Nick was surprised by Dr. Gravis' reaction, especially because it was startling to see someone who was usually so serious laughing so much. "Actually Nick, I have to agree with you. I think the waiting room is pretty hideous too."

This revelation surprised Nick even more. "But, if you don't like it, why do you have it?"

"My colleagues seem to feel that the waiting room will relax kids, make them feel more at home."

"It makes me want to barf," Nick said.

Dr. Gravis laughed again. "I've had the same feeling myself. That's why I insisted on being able to decorate my own office. I felt that since most of the kids who come to see me aren't bright and happy and cheerful, there's no reason the décor should be."

"That's what I thought too," Nick said.

Dr. Gravis smiled. "I chose more neutral colors that are deeper and darker, because my kids here sometimes talk about things that are darker than smiling flowers."

Nick suddenly became uncomfortable with the conversation. He shifted in his chair and looked away. Dr. Gravis noted Nick's sudden change. "I'm going to my friends house today," Nick said quickly, hoping to change the topic.

"Oh?"

"Yeah. We're going to paint his room and eat pizza. They're all there now, but I had to come here."

"You don't like coming here do you?"

Nick shrugged. "I dunno," he mumbled, decided his father would probably consider it rude to tell Dr. Gravis he didn't want to be there.

"But today at least there's somewhere you'd rather be?"

"I guess."

"It's ok, Nick. You're allowed to say you don't want to be here. You can tell me that you don't like it here. Unlike some of my patients, you have somewhere else to go, with people who like you and take care of you; you have somewhere safe to be."

"Some of your kids don't have anywhere else to go?"

"Well, they have other places to go, but they don't like it there. Foster homes, group homes, special schools. Places that are full of troubled kids. You see, some of my kids used to be in homes where they weren't taken care of, or they were abused. Many of them have been taken out of there, but they still don't have a place to be safe. They don't mind coming here, because they feel safe here."

Nick considered this for a minute. "People shouldn't hurt kids," he finally said. "They shouldn't hurt kids and make them not feel safe. Especially not there parents. Parents are supposed to love you and take care of you and keep you safe like mine. I guess I'm pretty lucky."

"Yes, in some ways you are very lucky. But even kids who have loving parents get hurt sometimes. Parents can't always keep their kids safe."

Nick pulled his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them.

"Sometimes kids who get hurt blame their parents for not protecting them. Sometimes they don't even know that they blame their parents, because the feeling is deep inside. Sometimes these kids feel jealous of their siblings, because their parents were with the siblings instead of home protecting them when they got hurt."

Nick closed his eyes and put his head on his knees.

"What do you think about that Nick?" Nick didn't respond. "Do you understand why some kids would have these feelings?" Nick imperceptibly shrugged. "How do you feel about that Nick?" Dr. Gravis sat back and waited, watching Nick closely. This was the first time since their first meeting that Dr. Gravis had tried to get in close to Nick's feelings related to what had happened. He waited to see how Nick would respond. Nick didn't seem likely to snap, like he had the first time, but it also didn't seem likely that he would answer.

Dr. Gravis continued to watch Nick, then glanced at the clock. He was resolved that they would be sitting in silence for the rest of the time, when Nick finally spoke. "I feel scared," Nick said, barely above a whisper.

"Why are you scared?"

"Because… because you're saying feelings out loud, that I feel deep inside, feelings that I don't like, that I wouldn't want anyone to know about, because they make me feel bad, and I don't want to feel them." Nick spoke slowly and quietly. "And when you say things out loud, that makes them real, and I don't want them to be real I want them to go away."

Dr. Gravis listened intently as Nick spoke. He was impressed with the way Nick was able to understand and verbalize his feelings. "Thank you for telling me that Nick. When you tell me things like that, about how you feel, it helps me to be able to help you better. You know Nick, one of the things I do here, one of the things I help my kids with, is helping them make bad feelings go away."

"How?" Nick asked, raising his head slightly.

"By talking about them. They tell me how they're feeling, and we talk about reasons why they feel the way they do. Sometimes we do things to take their minds off their feelings, so they forget about them. A lot of the time talking helps. I let kids know that it's ok to feel the way they do, what really matters is how they respond to the feelings. Sometimes I can't make the feelings go away, so I teach them how to handle their feelings appropriately. I tell them that no matter how they feel, it's never ok to hurt themselves or some one else. But that's not the kind of feelings you have Nick, is it?"

Nick shook his head. "What kind of feelings do you think you have Nick?"

"They make me hurt inside," Nick said quietly. "If I think about them too long it makes me want to cry."

"What do you do when you feel like that?"

"I try to think about other things."

"So you try to ignore them?"

Nick nodded.

"Sometimes, Nick, ignoring problems isn't the best way to make them go away. I think that's true in your case. It really helps to talk Nick. To talk about what caused these feelings."

Nick hunched his shoulders tighter. They sat in silence for several minutes. "I don't know," Nick said eventually.

"You don't know what?"

"What caused the feelings."

"I think you do know Nick," Dr. Gravis said gently. "I promise, you'll feel better if you talk about it."

"I don't know," Nick said stubbornly. "I don't know, I don't know, I don't, I don't I don't."

"It won't work Nick. You won't be able to convince yourself it never happened."

"I don't, I don't," Nick muttered to himself.

"You have to let it out Nick, you have to-" Suddenly Dr. Gravis noticed Nick was crying. His eyes were squeezed shut, he was biting his lip, and tears were coursing down his face. Gr. Gravis sighed. He generally knew when to push, and when to pull back, and this was a time to pull back. He was sure he had been close though. He had almost gotten through. He pushed a box of tissues closer to Nick, then said, "It's ok Nick. We can stop here for today if you want. When you're ready you can go see your dad in the waiting room."

Dr. Gravis got up and crossed the room to his desk. He squeezed Nick's shoulder as he passed. After a few minutes, Nick got up and walked slowly to the door. Suddenly he turned back. "Bye," he said quietly.

"Bye Nick. Have fun at your friend's house."

Nick managed a smile, before he turned and walked out of the office.


	19. Chapter 19

AN- I want to thank everyone for sticking with me through long periods between chapters. I hope to the next few up pretty quick. Thanks for being patient.

"Hey Laura, I have a late meeting on Thursday, can you take Nick to his appointment?"

Laura looked up from the book she was reading. "What time?"

"Three-fifteen."

"Can't. I have to discuss a case with one of my clients."

"I can't change my meeting."

"Well neither can I John. My clients need me."

"Don't' start in with that, I-"

"With what?"

"Acting like you're a saint or something because you protect the scum of the earth."

"I do not act like that and my clients are not all scum. I was just saying that just because you're the district attorney doesn't mean that your job is more important than mine."

"I never said that."

"Oh but I can tell you think it, the way you talk. Just because your cases are all front page news, you think that-"

"I'll take him." John and Laura looked over and saw Tommy standing in the doorway.

"Tommy," Laura started. She knew that the kids hated to see them fight, especially Tommy, who understood better than the rest at home what their fights were about.

"I'll take him," Tommy repeated, staring at the floor.

"Are you sure, what about practice?" Laura asked.

"Coach won't be there so we have a short practice. I'll be home in time to get Nick over there."

"Are you sure Tommy? Maybe I could work something out," Laura started.

"No! If you couldn't 'work something out' while you were talking to Dad, why would you be able to now?"

"Tommy…"

"It's fine. I don't mind. Really." Tommy stared at the floor. He knew he shouldn't get mad just because his parents argued once in a while. Everyone's parents argued. He has it better than most.

"Thanks Tommy," John said. "I'll write out the directions for you."

"Ok." There was an awkward pause. "I'm going to go do homework." Tommy turned and walked slowly off.

When he had gone, John and Laura sat in silence for a while, not looking at each other. They looked up suddenly and their eyes met.

"I'm sorry," they said at the same time. They laughed softly.

"We should work out a schedule or something so we… we know who's available and we don't both… schedule appointments." John cleared his throat.

"That's a good idea," Laura said.

"Ok." They were silent again. John slowly reached out and took Laura's hand. She smiled at him and squeezed his hand. John took her hand in both of his, and slowly brought it to his face. She smiled and slid closer, resting her head on his shoulder.

"How come you're taking me Tommy?"

"Mom and Dad have to work."

"They always have to work. But Daddy's been taking me."

"He had a late meeting."

"Oh…. Does Dr. Gravis know you're coming?"

"I don't think it matters."

"Oh…. Do you know how to get there?"

"Of course. Dad told me."

"So we're not going to get lost?"

"No. Of course not." Tommy glanced over at Nick. "Were you hoping to get lost?" Nick shrugged. "You don't like your doctor?"

Nick shrugged again. "He's nice I guess."

"But you don't like going?"

"I'd rather be playing with my friends."

"Yeah. Well, he's supposed to be helping you right?"

"I guess," Nick mumbled.

They rode in silence, until Tommy pulled his truck into the parking lot. Tommy turned off the engine and they sat for a moment.

"How'd you like to go out for ice cream when you're done?" Tommy asked suddenly.

"Really?"

"Sure."

"What about Mom and Dad? We're not supposed to have sweets too close to dinner."

"Well, Mom and Dad aren't here are they?" Tommy said mischievously.

Nick grinned. "Nope."

"And if you don't tell, I won't."

"Ok."

"Great…. Well, I guess we better go in."

"Yeah." Nick led Tommy into the building and up to Dr. Gravis' office.

"Woah," Tommy said as soon as they entered the waiting room.

"Pretty bad, huh?"

"It's um… well… uh…" Tommy was saved from coming up with a polite term for the room by the entrance of Dr. Gravis.

"Hello Nick. Where's your dad? Dr. Gravis glanced at Tommy. "Who's this?"

"My dad had to work. This is my big brother Tommy."

"Hi. I'm Dr. Gravis. I work with Nick here."

"Hi." Tommy shook Dr. Gravis' hand.

"I'd like to talk to you for a few minutes, if that's all right."

"Um… ok."

"Good. Come on back to my office. Nick, you can wait in the play room."

"What are you going to talk to Tommy about?" Nick asked, apprehensively.

"I just want to ask him a few questions. Don't worry, I'll be in to get you in a few minutes. Go on." Dr. Gravis held the door open and gently urged Nick into the play room.

"This way," Dr. Gravis said, closing the door and leading Tommy into his office. "How old are you Tommy?" Dr. Gravis asked when they were both seated.

"Uh… I'm 17."

"You can relax Tommy. I just want to ask you a few things that will help me help Nick."

"Ok."

"Did your parents tell you what happened to Nick a few months ago? Do you know why Nick comes to see me?"

Tommy's face hardened. "Yeah, my mom told me the first night. They didn't tell my little sisters though. They just think he was sick."

"What do you think about what happened to Nick?"

"What do you mean?"

"How did you feel when your parents told you? Did you have any specific thoughts?"

"I thought it was terrible. I thought they should catch that bi- woman who did that to Nick and throw her in jail to rot."

Dr. Gravis nodded. "Anything else?"

"Well, I guess… I don't know, I kinda felt bad… maybe guilty… that I wasn't there. I mean… Nicky's the youngest, we're supposed to protect him."

"What happened wasn't your fault Tommy."

"I know but… if I hadn't had basketball…"

"How often has Nick been left with a babysitter before?"

"I don't know, a lot."

"Alone?"

"Sometimes alone, sometimes with my little sisters."

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why were Nick and your sisters left with babysitters?"

Tommy shrugged. "Lots of reasons. Sometimes my parents worked late, sometimes I had a basketball game or my sisters had dance. Sometimes my parents just wanted to get out by themselves. When we were really little my older sisters would sometimes watch all of us."

"Was there ever a problem with a babysitter before?"

"No, not really."

"Then why would you suspect that something was going to happen this time?"

"Well, we didn't. We couldn't."

"Exactly. You couldn't have known. No one could have. So you can't blame yourself. You can't stay home and protect Nick from everything all the time."

"I guess not," Tommy said.

"So where are your parents today?" Dr. Gravis watched a change come over Tommy's face.

"They're working. They both had a late meeting today."

"I sense by your tone that there's a lot behind that."

"Well…" Tommy sighed, then decided to vent his frustrations. "It's just that my parents… well, I know they love each other and everything, but… well, their work has always been kind of a source of tension. They're both lawyers, but my dad's a DA and my mom's a public defender, so I guess… I guess their philosophies are different, you know? So my dad prosecutes and my mom defends, and I don't think they really understand each other in that sense. They argue about it sometimes. They try not to fight in front of us but…. I didn't notice as much when I was younger but I guess I just pick up on it now. I'm not sure how much the younger ones notice. I mean, Susan probably understands what's going on, she's 15, but, she's not really bothered by it."

"And you are bothered by it?"

"I don't know. I guess. They try to keep us out of it, but I feel like there's pressure on me, and I guess the others too, but mainly me cause I'm looking at colleges, I feel pressure to go into certain careers. I know my dad would like me to be a lawyer, and my mom wants me to go into some kind of civil service or something like that."

"And what do you want to do?"

"I want to play basketball. Coach says he thinks I can make it. I've been offered a scholarship to collegeball at A&M."

"Congratulations."

"Thanks. But my parents say I need a useful major. Something I can get a job with."

"And you don't think that's necessary?"

"I don't know. Anyway, what does this have to do with Nick?"

"I'm just trying to get an insight into your family, from some one other than Nick. I want to understand how Nick might be feeling."

"Oh. Well, I know Nicky is kinda sensitive to that kind of stuff. He's the youngest so we all try to watch out for him. He's a tough little kid too."

Dr. Gravis smiled. "Thanks for talking to me Tommy. I'd like to talk to both your parents together, if that would be possible."

"You're not going to tell them everything I said, are you?"

"Not unless you want me to."

"Well, I guess it doesn't really matter. They know how I feel, mostly. I haven't really talked to them about basketball."

"Well, if you want to talk to them about that, we can do it here in my office, and I can be here if you want me, to mediate. We can set up a time if you'd like."

"I'll keep it in mind. Thanks."

"I'm here to help. I'd appreciate it if you would tell your parents that I'd like to talk to them."

"Sure."

"Thank you. You can go back to the waiting room through the door at the end of the hall there. Nick will be out in a little while."

"Ok, thanks." Tommy opened the door, then closed it and turned back. "My family really isn't as screwed up as it might seem. My parents love each other; we all love each other. They really don't fight all that much, no more than anyone else. And everyone argues with their parents about college. What I mean is, we're pretty normal. We wouldn't even be here if it weren't for what happened to Nick. And we just want him to get better." Before Dr. Gravis could respond, Tommy was out the door.


	20. Chapter 20

Nick cautiously walked into the playroom. He turned and watched the door close on his brother and Dr. Gravis. He felt nervous, but he wasn't sure why. Nick glanced around the room. There was a boy about his age sitting at a table, drawing.

Nick walked past the table towards the corner with the bookshelves. On his was, he glanced down at the boy's drawing and stopped short. The drawing showed a small boy curled up on the floor with a man standing over him, holding what looked like a baseball bat. There was black crayon scribbled darkly around the man, and the boy was adding red crayon to the figure on the ground. The man had red eyes and a gaping mouth, and the boy on the floor had no face. Nick stared at the drawing. The boy looked up and noticed Nick watching.

"Hi," the boy said shyly.

"Hi."

The boy finished coloring with the red crayon and began to darken the area around the man. "D'you wanna color?" The held out a blank sheet of paper.

"Ok," Nick said, hesitantly taking the paper. He sat down next to the boy and stared at his blank paper. "What should I draw?"

"They like you to draw what you're feeling. They like you to draw your feelings. They like you to draw your secrets and why you're here. But you can draw whatever you want." The boy continued to color.

"What are you drawing?"

"My life," the boy said simply. The black area around the man in the picture grew. "That's me," the boy said without pausing, "And that's my dad."

"Oh," Nick said.

"My dad used to beat me real bad. Sometimes he threw me down the stairs. The last time he beat me with a baseball bat. I almost died. But neighbors called the cops cause I was screaming so much."

Nick stared down at the table, not being able to think of anything to say. He glanced over at the boy's drawing. The boy had been coloring intently the whole time he was talking, so now the whole paper was covered in black.

"So now I have 'anger issues' and I'm 'struggling with my socialization'. That's what they say about me. I heard my social worker talking with my foster mom. They talk about me like I'm not there. They don't think I'm listening. Or they think I don't understand. But I'm not stupid. I'm NOT!!"

"Well, look at that."

Both boys looked up. Nick, who had been panicking slightly, was somewhat relived. Dr. Balatro was smiling at them. And with him, Nick was surprised to see, was Dr. Z. As soon as the other boy saw the doctors, he dropped his crayon, put his hands in his lap, and stared down at the table.

"It's ok Tony, you can finish your drawing," Dr. Balatro said. Tony gave no indication that he heard. "What are you drawing there? Can I see?" Dr. Balatro walked forward to the table. Right before he got close enough to see, Tony snatched up the paper, crumpled it, and threw it across the room.

Dr. Balatro sighed. "I thought we were passed this Tony." Tony sat, unmoving again, staring at the table. "Well," Dr. Balatro said, smiling, "let's go down to my office." He held out his hand. Tony didn't move. "Tony…" Tony slid out of his chair and walked slowly toward the door with Dr. Balatro.

"I'm going to stay here and talk to Nick for a minute," Dr. Z said.

"All right," Dr. Balatro said, opening the door and waiting for Tony. Just before he went through the door, Tony turned and looked at Nick.

"Bye Nick," he said softly, then walked slowly out the door. Dr. Balatro followed, looking surprised.

Dr. Z waited for the door to close before she turned to Nick. "How are you Nick?"

"Ok," Nick muttered, staring down at the table.

"I see you met Tony."

"Yeah." Nick got up and retrieved the strange boy's crumpled drawing from across the room.. He sat down and smoothed it out on the table. Nothing could be clearly seen except the black scribbles. "Did his dad really hit him with a baseball bat?"

"How did you know about that?"

"He told me. He said his dad almost killed him but the neighbors called the cops."

"He told you all this?"

Nick nodded. "Is it true?"

Dr. Z sighed, hesitating. "Yes Nick. Tony was removed from a very bad situation at home."

"Is he safe now?"

"Yes, he's not getting hurt anymore. But he still has some trouble dealing with everything that happened to him."

"'Anger issues' and 'struggling with socialization'?"

"Did Tony say that?"

"Yeah."

"Did Tony talk to you a lot?"

Nick shrugged. "I guess. He started to tell me about his drawing, then he talked about his dad and then his social worker. He scribbled over his picture as he was talking."

"What else did he say?"

"Why? Can't Tony tell you all this?"

"Nick, one of the other issues Tony has is that he won't speak. When he said goodbye to you, those were the first words we've heard him speak. His foster parents say that he only says a few words at home or at school."

"Oh. So it's good that he talked to me?"

"Yes. In a way, it is a good thing."

"Is Tony going to be ok?"

"I hope so Nick. We're going to do our best." Dr. Z sat down at the table next to Nick. "How are you doing Nick?"

"Ok. What are you doing here?"

"Dr. Gravis is a friend of mine. He asked if I would come help with one of his kids."

"You mean Tony?"

"Well, yes, I am helping Dr. Balatro with Tony. How have you been getting along with Dr. Gravis?"

Nick shrugged, uncomfortable now that the conversation had turned to him.

"Have you been talking with him?"

"I have to," Nick muttered.

"You _have_ to?"

"Yeah. If I don't we sit there in silence the whole time. We made a deal."

"Well I'm glad you're talking Nick."

Nick didn't respond, but hunched his shoulders.

"What do you and Dr. Gravis talk about?"

"Nothing." Nick hugged his arms in tight.

"Nothing?"

Nick shrugged.

"You don't talk about why you were in the hospital?"

Nick's legs started to come up, but there wasn't enough room on the chair. Instead, he hunched his shoulders more and leaned forwards towards the table. "No," Nick mumbled between clenched teeth, "we don't talk about that. That doesn't matter."

"It doesn't matter? Isn't that why you're here?"

Nick bent forward so far, his head rested on the table.

"Nick? I know why you're here. It's why I saw you in the first place."

Nick squeezed his eyes shut. He heard the door open and glanced up. He jumped out of his chair so fast it fell over. He ran to the door and grabbed Dr. Gravis' hand.

"Let's go to your office," Nick said urgently, trying to tug Dr. Gravis into the hallway.

"Woah, calm down Nick, what's the matter?"

"I don't think he liked talking to me," Dr. Z said, standing up.

"Please, let's go to your office," Nick pleaded, leaning his whole weight back, pulling on Dr. Gravis' arm.

"You go ahead Nick. I'll be there in a minute." Nick released Dr. Gravis' hand, but he hesitated a few steps down the hall. "Go ahead Nick," Dr. Gravis said. "You know where it is."

Nick slowly walked down the hall.

"Did Nick tell you anything?" Dr. Gravis asked.

"Not about himself, but Tony talked to him so Nick was able to tell me some interesting things about that."

"I haven't mentioned the incident with Nick since his first session. I'm trying to build his trust, get at some of his underlying feelings."

"Ah. I tried to talk with him about it, but you saw the results of that. It was clear that he hasn't accepted what happened."

"We're working on it. Have you had any luck with Tony?"

"He still won't talk. But I'm encouraged that he spoke with Nick."

Dr. Gravis nodded. "Well, I better get back to Nick. I was talking with his brother so we don't have much time left."

"Good luck."

"Oh, and judging from Nick's reaction, I think I made an error in judgment. I thought Nick might feel more comfortable with you, but it appears not to be the case.

"I understand. I'll be around for a while, to help out with Tony, so if you need me just let me know."

"Will do."

Dr. Gravis found Nick sitting on the couch in his office. "Hi Nick." Nick didn't look up. "Are you ok?"

Nick nodded slowly.

"Is something bothering you?" Nick shrugged slightly. "Does this have to do with Dr. Zalegius?"

Nick shook his head.

"What's wrong then?"

"Tony," Nick said quietly.

"Tony? What about him? Do you want to talk about it?"

"Why?" Nick asked plaintively. He looked up and Dr. Gravis was surprised to see tears in his eyes.

"Why what, Nick?"

"Why? Why did his father do that to him? Why did his father hit him with a baseball bat and throw him down the stairs and stuff?"

"I don't know Nick. There could be any number of reasons…"

"But how could he _do_ that? He's Tony's _dad_. Dad's aren't supposed to do that. I don't understand!"

"Neither do I Nick. You see, some people, adults, and even children, sometimes they don't know how to deal with their feelings. Sometimes adults have problems with work or there are things that make them angry, and instead of dealing with them in the right way, they take it out on people who are weaker and smaller than they are, often their own children."

"But that's not _right_!" Nick protested.

"No, it's not. But I think you are old enough to understand that not everything that happens in the world is right. Especially after what you've been through."

Nick was so agitated that he didn't even respond to the reference. "But… but… why don't people stop it?! What about his mom? What about teachers and everything! Why didn't they help him? He said his dad threw him down the stairs and hit him and no one helped him till his dad his him with a baseball bat and he was screaming. He said he could have died and no one helped him."

Dr. Gravis sighed. "There's no easy answer to that Nick. You have to understand that, many times when a child is abused, they don't like to tell people. Sometimes a child will feel guilty, and think the abuse is their fault. It is quite possible that Tony's teachers did not know he was being abused. It's pretty clear that Tony never told anyone what was happening to him. And Tony's mom isn't around, so she couldn't help him."

"But there should have been someone to help him. When I grow up I'm going to help kids. I don't want them to get hurt."

"That's a wonderful goal Nick. There's no reason you can't accomplish that. It's good that you want to help kids."

Nick stared down at the floor. "What's going to happen to Tony?"

"Nick, do you remember when I told you that I couldn't talk about what you said to me with anyone?" Nick nodded. "Well, the same thing goes for the other patients here. I've told you a little about Tony, because of what he said to you, but I can't tell you much more. However, in cases like Tony's, it is likely that the child would remain in foster care, at least the hearing. At the hearing, the child's doctors would talk about the child's injuries; it is possible the child might testify about the abuse, and the judge would decide what would happen to the father, and what would happen to the child. Usually, the father would go to jail, and the child, depending on age, would go into foster care until he was 18."

"So he'll never have a real family again?"

"It's possible that he'll find a good foster family to stay with the whole time. Or, it's possible that the judge might decide to terminate the father's parental rights, in which case there's a chance the boy might be adopted. In a case as severe as Tony's, it is highly likely that the father would not have any further contact with the child."

"So he has a chance of being ok?"

"Yes. He has a pretty good chance of living a normal life. Dr. Balatro and Dr. Zalegius are good doctors, they'll do their best to help him."

Nick sat silently for a few minutes. "We still have a few more minutes left, but I think it has been a bit of a hard day, so you can go now if you want to."

"Ok," Nick said quietly, but he didn't move.

"It'll be ok Nick. Life goes on. Bad things happen, but we keep going. We survive. It's human instinct. Tony's a strong kid. He'll get by."

Nick nodded.

"Come on. Let's go see your brother." Nick got up and followed Dr. Gravis out to the waiting room.


	21. Chapter 21

"Hey Laura, the phone's for you."

Laura looked up from her paperwork at Linda, the woman she shared an office with. "It's the school," Linda continued. "Your boy in trouble again?" she asked.

Laura groaned. "I wonder what Tommy's done now," Laura muttered as she reached for the phone. She had gotten calls from the school about Tommy's behavior several times over the past few years, mainly for things such as poor school work, not doing homework, and once for cutting classes.

"Mrs. Stokes?"

"Speaking."

"This is Mrs. Dobles calling from the office at West Texas Elementary School."

"The elementary school?" Laura asked, confused.

"Yes, we have your son Nick in the office here."

"Is something wrong, is he ok?" Laura asked quickly.

"Well, you need to come pick him up. And Mr. Moore, the principle, would like to meet with you."

"Why, what's happened?"

"It seems your son was involved in a fight. Nothing too serious, both boys are fine, but we have a strict fighting policy at this school. Would you be able to come right over and meet with Mr. Moore?"

"Yes, of course. I… I have to take care of some things at work, but I'll be right over." Laura hung the phone up, and stared at it, still in a bit of shock.

"Problem?" Linda asked.

"Yes… with my youngest."

"The one who was ill a while ago?"

"Yes. Apparently he got into a fight."

"You need me to cover for you the rest of the day?"

"Oh, that would be great."

"No problem. I know how it is, I have kids of my own."

"Thanks. I'll see you tomorrow."

Laura walked into the school office, and was directed to the principles office. Nick was sitting in a chair outside. He glanced up as she approached, then quickly looked back down at the floor. The door to the office opened, and a woman and a boy walked out, the woman holding tightly to the boy's arm, half dragging him from the office. The boy had a black eye and looked as though he had been crying. A tall man exited the office next.

"Ah, Mrs. Stokes?" The man smiled and held out his hand. "I'm Mr. Moore."

"Hi, Laura Stokes. What exactly happened with Nick?"

"Let's talk in my office." He stepped aside so Laura could go into the office ahead of him. "You too Nick." Nick slid off his chair and into the office without looking up. Mr. Moore closed the door behind him and crossed the room to sit behind his desk. "Please, sit." He indicated two chairs in front of his desk. Nick sat and immediately hunched over and stared at the floor.

"Well Nick, would you like to tell your mom why we're here?" Nick stared at the floor without moving. "Nick? Well, if you don't want to then I'll tell her. Nick started a fight today at recess. I say started because he threw the first punch, several students and a teacher saw this. However, they may have been some provocation, and for this reason, and because the other student fought back, both boys were punished equally. And they were punished." He paused, and Laura glanced at Nick, who was shifting uncomfortably in his chair. "Both boys are also assigned detentions tomorrow and Thursday. In addition, they are to write apology letters to each other. At this school, we consider fighting to be a very serious offense."

"I understand," Laura said.

"And I think Nick understands now too, don't you Nick?"

Nick's eyes darted up at him, then quickly back down. "Yes sir," he said quietly.

"Just so you both know, if this happens again, the consequences will be much more serious. But I don't think Nick will be in any hurry to get in another fight any time soon, will you Nick?"

"No sir," Nick said, barely above a whisper.

"Now, what concerns me most in this case is what caused the altercation. Nick is usually a very well behaved boy, he's never been in trouble with me before, and his teacher tells me that her only problem with him is getting him to settle down sometimes. When I see a sudden behavior change like this, I wonder if there's anything happening at home, or any other extraordinary circumstances that would explain it. Is there anything like that Nick?"

Nick shook his head, without looking up.

"Mrs. Stokes?"

"Well," Laura said carefully, looking at Nick, "there was a bit of an upset a while ago, but that's being taken care of and we haven't noticed any different behaviors with him at home."

"I see. Well, perhaps this was just an isolated incident. As long as nothing like this happens again, we can consider it forgotten and won't have to pursue it further." Mr. Moore smiled. "Thank you for coming in Mrs. Stokes." He stood up and reached out his hand.

"Um… Mr. Moore, could I speak with you privately for a few minutes?"

"Of course. Nick, you can wait outside for your mom."

Nick looked hesitantly at his mom. "Go ahead Nick. I'll only be a few minutes."

Nick stood up, but didn't move.

"Nick. Now!" Mr. Moore said, using what the kids called his "principle voice" that left no room for argument without incurring serious consequences. His mom was also giving him her "now, I mean it" glare. Nick knew he was in enough trouble, so he slowly walked to the door. He paused to turn back for a second, before continuing out the door.

Mr. Moore waited until the door closed. "What is it you would like to discuss?" he asked as he resumed his seat.

"Well, I wondered if it would be possible to postpone Nick's detention on Thursday. He has a doctor's appointment at 3:30."

"I see. Well yes, I suppose I could move it to Friday. I'll just need a note from the doctor to confirm that's where he will be. Is he all right?"

"Yes, he's fine it's just… he's seeing a psychiatrist."

"A… psychiatrist?"

"He's fine. He's just going through some things…. The incident that happened a few months ago… he's working through some issues… there's nothing wrong with him."

"I see…. I wish I had known about this, I might have handled the situation differently."

"No, no, he's fine, what he did was wrong and he knows it. It's only that the fight may have been caused in part by what happened to Nick. As you, said he's never done anything like this before. We'll certainly talk to his psychiatrist about what happened today."

"I think that would be wise. And under the circumstances of course we'll move Nick's detention. I definitely would like a note though, ensuring that 'the incident' won't continue to cause this kind of behavior."

"Of course, thank you." Laura stood up.

"Thank you for coming in," Mr. Moore said, reaching out to shake her hand. "Let me know if there's anything I can do."

Laura nodded and Mr. Moore walked her to the door. "Have a good day," Mr. Moore said, glancing down to include Nick in the statement. Laura smiled, then looked down at Nick and headed out of the office. Nick slowly got up and followed.

The whole ride home was silent. Laura stared straight ahead at the road. Nick glanced at her a couple times, but she resolutely ignored him. They remained silent as they entered the house. When the door was closed behind them, Laura finally spoke. "Go to your room and start your homework."

Nick glanced up. "I'm sorry mom."

"They had to call me out of work, Nick. I had to leave work because you got in a fight. A fight! You attacked someone Nick! I can't believe it! I have no idea what could have possessed you to think it was ok to fight another kid."

"But mom-"

"Just go to your room Nick! We'll talk about it later."

Nick opened his mouth to say something, but with a glance at his mother's face he turned and walked slowly to his room. He flopped down on his bed and stared up at the ceiling. He knew that he was in trouble, big trouble, perhaps more trouble than he had ever been in before. He couldn't remember seeing his mom so angry before, with him at least. He didn't even want to think about how his dad would react.

He threw his arm over his face. He thought back to earlier that afternoon, the moment he had snapped and its aftermath. He thought about how Marcus was always teasing him, and how his one comment had hit a nerve, and he had found himself angrier than he had ever felt before. He had gotten one good punch in before they were both rolling around on the ground. They had been quickly pulled apart by the yard teacher and other than being a bit dirty and having a few scrapes, Nick was fine. Marcus was in the same state, except he has a wonderful black eye. Nick had also gotten to see Marcus cry like a baby, which he might have enjoyed more if he had not been in the same predicament himself. He knew he would be a hero with his friends the next day, but for now he was just scared. Nick sighed and rolled off the bed. He figured he better get his homework done so he didn't get into any more trouble.

He had just finished his math problems when there was a knock. Nick froze and stared at the door. It opened and Tommy stuck his head in.

"Hey Nicky, how're you doing?"

Nick shrugged, relieved that it was only his brother.

"So I hear you got in a bit of a fight today."

Nick nodded.

"Did'ja win?"

Nick grinned. "I gave him a black eye."

Tommy laughed. "All right Nick! If you get into a fight you might as well win."

"I don't think dad will see it that way."

"No, definitely not. Well, it'll all work out. Dad'll let you out of your room again by the time you're my age."

Nick laughed, rather apprehensively.

"Anyway, it's dinner time now and I was sent to get you."

"Do I have to?" Nick scowled.

"You'll have to face them eventually. Come on."

Dinner was a quiet, somewhat awkward affair, at least for some members of the family. The girls did most of the talking, and John and Laura exchanged information about their day at work. Dinner soon ended and the dishes were cleared. Nick tried to slip away back to his room, but barely made it out of his chair.

"Nick, go into the living room and wait for your mom and I. We need to talk." At this pronouncement, the other kids quickly made themselves scarce. Talks in the living room were never good.

Nick sighed and nodded, walking silently into the living room. He plopped down onto the couch to wait for his doom.

A few minutes later, John and Laura entered the room together, and sat down across from Nick, who didn't look up.

"Nick, your mother and I talked it over, and we want to hear your side of the story. We want you to tell us everything that happened exactly. Your mother said that your principle suggested that you might have been provoked, so we want to hear what you have to say." Nick stared at the floor. He was scared of his father angry, but he was even more terrified of this quiet, controlled voice. "Nick, you need to talk to us, tell us what happened."

Nick glanced up, but not far enough to reach his father's face. He told the story to the floor instead. "Um… Corey and TJ and Sam and me were playing four square and TJ bounced it over my head so I ran to get it but Marcus picked it up and wouldn't give it back. I told him to give it back cause we had it first but he said he picked it up so it was his and him and his friends were going to play something else. I got mad and told him he better give it back and he said or what and I said I'd tell. Then he said… he said I was a girl and called me a sissy so I hit him."

"Go on."

"Well, I punched at him and I guess I got him in the eye and then he pushed me but I grabbed him so we both fell over. We were rolling around on the ground trying to get each other but then the yard teacher came over and pulled us apart and took us the see Mr. Moore."

"That's it?"

Nick nodded.

"Why didn't you just tell the teacher?" Laura asked, just like a mom.

"Cause I would have been a sissy."

"Nick, you know it doesn't matter what other people say."

"But mom-"

"It doesn't matter what anyone says to you Nick, it's never ok to attack someone."

"But he took our ball and then he called me names and-"

"That doesn't matter Nick! You should have told the teacher or walked away. You know fighting isn't allowed."

"But it's not fair."

"What's not fair, Nick? You know better. What in the world could have made you believe you could get away with attacking someone!?" John asked, raising his voice for the first time.

"I didn't-"

"You threw the first punch Nick. You made the choice to make it physical. You could have walked away or told someone. I don't get it Nick. You know it's wrong, don't you? Did you really think it was ok to fight?"

Nick shook his head. "But-"

"So you admit that you hit that other boy even though you knew it was wrong?"

Nick nodded. "But I…" Nick trailed off, staring carefully at the floor.

"Nick, look at me."

Nick knew the tone of his father's voice and knew better than to refuse. He slowly raised his eyes so he was looking at his father's chin.

"I don't know what to do Nick. I'm very disappointed. I never expected this from you. Your mother and I decided that we're going to talk to Dr. Gravis on Thursday and see what he recommends. Your mom talked to Mr. Moore and he agreed to move your second detention to Friday."

"But-"

"No arguments Nick. It's already decided."

"Do you have to tell Dr. Gravis about it?"

"Or I could just ground you for your next three lifetimes now."

Nick's eyes dropped back to the floor. "I just…"

"Nick honey, we want to help you, but you have to understand you can't do things like this. We want to talk to Dr. Gravis in case this has to do with what happened."

Nick hunched his shoulders and pulled his arms in. Laura and John glanced at each other. "Is there anything else you want to say Nick? Then go ahead to your room. You're grounded at least until Thursday."

Nick slid off the couch and turned away, scowling.

"And Nick," John started. Nick turned back, glaring at the floor. "You can stand to loose the attitude. You got yourself into this. There's no excuse for what you did, and you're in big trouble."

Nick nodded slightly. "M'sorry," he muttered, then turned and left the room.

John sighed, then looked at Laura. Laura took his hand, and squeezed it gently.


	22. Chapter 22

The next day was fairly miserable for Nick. The only high point was his friends' reactions which, as expected, were more than enthusiastic. After school he had detention, then he went home. He did his homework, then wandered around his room. Nothing seemed appealing to do. He didn't say a word at dinner, which once was unusual, but was becoming more and more commonplace.

Thursday Nick trudged slowly home from school. He wasn't looking forward to going to Dr. Gravis. Besides that, he had a note to take home to his parents from his teacher saying that she had kept Nick in from recess because he wasn't paying attention and was talking in class. Nick wished he could just toss the note away, but his teacher told him to get it signed and bring it back to school.

He tossed his book bag on the floor of the hallway and went to his room. He knew he should do some homework, but he wasn't in the mood. He half-heartedly got out paper and a book he was supposed to write a report about. By the time he heard the front door, he had a paragraph, a page of doodles, and a dozen crumpled pages used as shooting practice at the trashcan.

"Nick?" Nick was surprised to hear his mom calling him. He found both his parents in the kitchen. He stopped in the doorway.

"Why are you both home?"

"Dr. Gravis asked to speak with both of us," his dad answered.

"Why," Nick asked.

"Nick, what's this?" His mom held up the note from his teacher.

Nick stated at the note. "You went through my backpack?" he asked, trying to stall.

"I was getting your lunch box, and that's not the point. What in the world has gotten into you Nick? Fighting, getting into trouble with you teacher…. What's next?" Laura stared exasperated at her son.

Nick stared at the floor. His parents just didn't get it.

John sighed. "Another thing we'll talk to Dr. Gravis about."

"But-"

"No arguments. Let's go."

Nick sulked in the backseat on the whole drive. Dr. Gravis met them in the waiting room.

"Nice to meet you Mrs. Stokes, I'm Dr. Gravis." He shook hands with Laura and John. "How are you doing Nick?"

Nick stared at the floor.

"Nick's been a bit out of sorts lately," John said.

Dr. Gravis saw Nick scowl and scuff his feet on the floor. "Well, I'd like to talk to your parents for a few minutes Nick."

Nick nodded without looking up and followed them down the hall to the playroom. Dr. Gravis led John and Laura to his office.

"I'd like to talk to you both about what your goals are for Nick," Dr. Gravis said when they were seated. "Because Nick doesn't have a specific disorder, and I assume that Nick's time with me will be short term, I'd like to know what you want Nick to get out of our time together."

John glanced at Laura. "Well, we'd like Nick to sleep in his bed again… to… to feel comfortable in his bed again."

"And… and…" Laura started, "we just want things to get back to normal."

"Mrs. Stokes, I have to be honest with you. Things will never be 'normal' with Nick again, at least not the way you've thought about it. You will, in time, find a new definition of normal. Something like this affects a person, changes their outlook.

"My job is to help Nick deal with his feelings and to work out his thoughts. I can't 'fix' him, and I don't want you to get the impression that he's 'broken'. He's still a strong kid, he just needs some help to accept what happened and move on; that's what I'm here for. As for the goal of getting Nick to sleep in his own bed again, I believe that is very doable. In fact, that will be a large milestone in his recovery. If he sleeps in his own bed again, it will mean that he has accepted what happened to him. Once he has accepted it, he will be more willing to talk about it and he will start to heal."

"So, how long do you think it will take?" Laura asked.

"That depends on Nick. He gas already made some great improvements in his time with me."

"Well, his behavior at home hasn't been improving," John muttered.

Dr. Gravis looked at him, surprised. "What has been happening at home?"

"Actually at school," John said. "Earlier this week he got into a fight and today he brought home a note from his teacher about his behavior. He's never been in trouble like this before. Is this a result of what happened? Nick said he knew what he did was wrong; do we punish him or just let this go?"

Dr. Gravis paused a minute before slowly answering. "I would definitely say this change in behavior is related to what happened. But that doesn't change the fact that he needs to take responsibility for his actions. I'll talk to Nick, but I think that if Nick knew what he was doing than you should discipline him in the way you normally would. Out of curiosity, what do you plan to do?"

"I'm inclined to ground him until he's 20," John said, half-joking.

Dr. Gravis smiled. "What do you think you'll end up doing?"

"Probably a couple weeks. I really don't like the idea of Nick fighting. It's not just his behavior, his attitude has been unacceptable too."

"Well, go ahead and discipline Nick for his behavior, I don't want to interfere with that, but I think you should ignore his attitude for now. I believe that comes out of dealing with some of his feelings. I've begun to work on that with Nick, and now I'll make it a priority."

"Well I've about had it. I deal with punks with attitudes all day at work, I don't want to deal with it when I come home."

"I can understand that. But right now, Nick has a lot of emotions that he doesn't understand or know how to deal with. He's hurt, frightened, possibly a little guilty. Sometimes children can't differentiate between emotions, especially when they don't know why they feel the way they do. Nick seems to be expressing his emotions as anger. This may be hard to hear, but I think that on some level, Nick is also resentful. He's got a lot of people looking out for him, but I think he feels that no one was around to help him when he really needed it.

"It is highly likely that Nick doesn't understand these feelings, or is even unaware of them. If he is aware of them, it is likely that he doesn't like the feelings. I'll be sure to concentrate with Nick on how to deal with his feelings."

"I didn't mean to sound harsh," John said. "I love Nick, I want him to be ok."

"I know. I'm sure this is hard on all of you too. I deal mainly in child psychology, but I can give you the number of someone who deals in family counseling."

"That's very kind of you, but it's not necessary," John said quickly.

"Yes, well, thank you for coming in." Dr. Gravis stood up and shook hands with each of them. "I'll show you out to the waiting room. Nick will be out in a little while."


	23. Chapter 23

Nick sat on the floor in the corner by the bookshelves. He put his arms on his knees and rested his head on his arms. He didn't hear the door open, so he was surprised when Dr. Gravis eased himself to the floor next to him. Nick glanced over but didn't look up.

"You've had a rough week, haven't you?" Dr. Gravis asked, reaching out and patting Nick's shoulder.

Nick nodded without lifting his head. He bit his lip and dug hid fists into his eyes, but the tears came anyway. He sobbed once, then the flood came. Suddenly Nick turned and threw himself at Dr. Gravis, burying his face in his shoulder. Dr. Gravis was surprised, but pleased, and he put his arm around Nick's shoulder.

"It's ok Nick. It's ok to cry," he muttered softly.

After a minute or two, Nick quieted and pulled away. "I'm sorry."

"Nothing to be sorry about. Anything happen this week that you want to talk about?"

Nick shrugged, running the back of his hand over his eyes.

"How about the fight?"

Nick shrugged again.

"What started it?"

"Marcus called me names and took our ball."

"What did he call you?"

"A girl and a sissy."

"Has this boy ever teased you before, called you names?"

Nick nodded. "He does it to everyone."

"Why do you think you got so upset this time?"

Nick half-shrugged and put his head back down on his arms.

"Nick?"

"Cause I am," came Nick's muffled reply.

"What?"

"Cause I am!" Nick said louder, turning his head to face Dr. Gravis. "I am a sissy. I… I… I let… I let…" Nick was gasping out words between dry sobs that shook his whole body. "I let her… I let her…" Nick buried his head in his hands, unable to continue the thought.

Dr. Gravis had rarely felt an emotion so strong and intense that he could label it as hate, but this was one of those times. The very thought….

"Nick, look at me."

Nick looked up, startled at the harshness in Dr. Gravis' voice.

Seeing the fear in Nick's eyes, Dr. Gravis softened. "I'm not mad at you Nick. I just need you to understand- _what happened was NOT your fault._ You didn't 'let her' do anything. You're nine Nick; she was supposed to be protecting you. You shouldn't have to worry about protecting yourself. Your parents' trusted her and she broke that trust. There's nothing you could have done to make things any better."

Nick put his head down on his knees and closed his eyes. For once Nick didn't seem to be withdrawing as much. Dr. Gravis rubbed Nick's back gently. Finally Nick opened his eyes and sat up. "Ok," he said quietly.

"Ok?"

Nick nodded. "Ok" He rubbed his eyes. "So my parents don't hate me?"

"No, of course not Nick, where would you get an idea like that?"

"I thought, maybe, because of what happened…"

"Nick, your parents love you very much. They don't blame you for what happened, no one does. What happened was one person's fault only: the woman who hurt you. Do you understand?"

Nick nodded. "But my dad's mad at me right now."

"Yes, I believe he is, but that doesn't mean he doesn't love you. No matter what you do, I'm sure your parents still love you. Your dad is used to dealing with people in a certain way at work, and he carries that over into how he deals with you kids.

It may or may not be the best way, but it's what he knows. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you."

Nick absorbed this information silently, staring at the floor.

"Would you like to talk about why your dad's mad at you?"

Nick shrugged. "It's cause I've been getting into trouble. I guess my parents told you about the fight, and today I got a letter home from my teacher. And I guess maybe I've been talking back a bit. My dad doesn't like that."

"Why do you think you're doing that?"

Nick shrugged. He traced his fingers through the soft carpet.

"Let's talk about the fight then. I understand why you got so upset, but why do you think you hit Marcus?"

"He made me mad," Nick said softly.

"Have you been mad before?"

Nick nodded, and began playing with his shoelace.

"Did you ever hit anyone when you were mad before?"

Nick shook his head. "Well, once with my brother. We both got in big trouble."

"So why do you think you hit Marcus this time?"

Nick shrugged.

"Do you remember what we talked about before? We talked about feelings and how to deal with them."

Nick stared at the floor and continued to fiddle with his shoelace.

"I want to talk more about that today. It is ok to have feelings. It's ok to feel angry, upset, frustrated, hurt, but the problem comes when you respond to the feelings in inappropriate ways. I know you've probably heard this a lot, so I won't dwell on it, but fighting is inappropriate. There are better ways of dealing with your anger. You got in trouble for fighting at school, because your parents, your principal, and your teachers don't want you to learn that behavior. Dealing with anger by violence is not a good way to go through life. If your father hit someone every time he became angry, he'd be out of a job. Do you understand?"

Nick shrugged. "I guess so."

"So what we need to do, is teach you some ways to get rid of your anger without fighting. I don't want you to keep your feelings bottled up inside either, because that's not healthy. When you keep your feelings buried inside, it's like shaking up a bottle of soda: once it's opened up, it's going to explode."

Nick pulled at a loose flap on his shoe.

"Do you think that's what happened with you and Marcus?"

Nick retied his shoe and didn't answer.

"Why don't we go back to my office and talk about it."

Nick followed Dr. Gravis down the hall. He flopped down in a chair and resumed picking at his shoe.

"Well Nick, what do you think? Did you have a lot of feelings inside that exploded when Marcus teased you?" Nick stared at the floor. Silence descended on the room. The second hand completed two circuits. When it began a third, Dr. Gravis spoke. "Nick? Do you remember our deal?"

Another minute passed. Finally, Nick shrugged. "I don't know," Nick mumbled.

"What don't you know?"

Nick bounced his heal against the chair. "I don't know how I feel," he said quietly.

"That's ok Nick. Sometimes it's hard. Over the next few weeks I'd like to work with you to help you recognize and deal with your feelings for the rest of today, I'd like to talk about your family."

Nick looked up, surprised. "What about them?"

"I'm interested in your relationship with them. How you feel about them, how you think they feel about you. Anything you think might be important. Let's start with your siblings. Your sisters?"

Nick shrugged. "They're ok. They're… you know… _girls_."

Dr. Gravis laughed. "Yes, I think I can recall what that used to mean."

"They liked to baby me when I was little. They still do it sometimes, and I get mad at them. I'm not a little kid anymore."

"What about Tommy?"

"He's cool. He's a lot older, so we don't hang out so much. Sometimes he lets me in his room, though, and I get to play with his game system."

"Do you look up to him?"

"I guess. He's really good at basketball, but he doesn't do well in school. He's smart but he doesn't do his work, he cares more about basketball. It gets my parents mad. He fights with my dad sometimes about it."

"Ok. What about your mom?"

"She loves me a lot. She loves all us kids. She says I'm still her little boy. She babies me too, but I don't mind it so much sometimes. As long as my friends aren't around. But she worries a lot. About me and Tommy and my sisters. Tommy a lot… and me too, now."

"And what about your dad?" Dr. Gravis asked quietly. He had come to the main point of the whole question, and he didn't want to scare Nick into not talking.

Nick pulled his legs up and didn't answer. Dr. Gravis waited, realizing that Nick's silence was thoughtful rather than stubborn. "My dad looks out for us," finally came Nick's soft reply. "When I was little he always came when I was afraid. He'd pretend to chase away the monsters under my bed. My dad's big on rules; he puts bad guys in jail all day. He gets upset easier than my mom."

Nick put his head down on his knees. "I just want him to love me." Nick's voice was barely audible. "I just want him to be proud of me. I want to make my parents happy."

Dr. Gravis leaned forward and gently rubbed Nick's back. "Your dad loves you Nick. You know that."

Nick sighed and nodded. "I know."

"And it's not your job to make your parents happy. Your dad will be proud of you if you just do your best. Being angry with you for doing something wrong isn't that same as not loving you or not being proud of you." They sat in silence for a minute. "It's almost time to go Nick. Unless there's something else you want to talk about, you can leave a little early today if you want."

Nick didn't move. "You know," he said quietly. "I'm not really sorry for hitting Marcus. I think he deserved it. All the kids at school said so, they said I was a hero for standing up to the bully. I'm sorry I made my mom and dad mad though. I don't like having people angry at me." Nick rubbed a hand over his eyes and forehead. "But I can't tell my dad that. He'd be mad that I'm not sorry for getting in a fight. And I'm not!" Nick scowled defiantly. "I'm not!"

Dr. Gravis leaned forward. He realized they had glossed over an area that needed to be discussed. "So, you don't see a problem with what you did? Do you really believe that fighting is acceptable?"

Nick scowled deeper and kicked his feet. "I don't know," he muttered sullenly.

"I think you do know Nick. You obviously have an opinion here. You wouldn't be getting upset if you didn't."

Nick kicked savagely at the chair, glaring at the floor. Dr. Gravis reached over and placed a gentle hand on Nick's ankle to still his leg. "Nick, you need stop that," he said, gently but firmly. Nick twisted away angrily, his frustration and anger threatening to boil over into a full blown, nine-year-old tantrum.

"Nick, what's going on? We were just talking and now you're upset. We need to talk about this." Nick twisted away and pressed his face into the back of the chair. "Nick?" Dr. Gravis reached out to rub Nick's arm gently.

Nick's hands clenched and unclenched hands around his face in the effort to contain his feelings. "I just want to scream," Nick moaned.

"Go ahead."

Nick looked up, startled. "What?"

"Go ahead. If you need to scream, scream. It's better than keeping it bottled up or acting out." Dr. Gravis picked up pillow from the couch and handed it to Nick. "Put you head in that and just scream."

Nick continued to stare at Dr. Gravis without moving.

"Go on. Unless you're ready to talk."

Reluctantly, Nick took the pillow. "So you want me to…"

"Scream. Go ahead and burry your head in the pillow and scream."

Slowly Nick raised the pillow to his face and let out a small moan.

"Louder. Let it all out. Louder. Louder. Louder!"

Now Nick was screaming at the top of his lungs, a wordless scream full of frustration, anger, and pain. Dr. Gravis watched quietly. The pillow muted most of the noise and the office walls were thick so no one else could hear anything. Slowly the noise died away, but Nick kept his face in the pillow.

"Feel better?" Dr. Gravis asked softly.

Nick shrugged without looking up.

"Ready to talk?"

Nick didn't reply, but he did turn his head to look at Dr. Gravis.

"So, I want to hear what you have to say about fighting. I have a hard time believing that you have no problem with attacking someone every time you get mad. Do you really believe that?"

Nick shrugged, disgruntled, not willing to admit anything. "You sound like my dad," he muttered.

"That's not an answer, Nick," Dr. Gravis said, sitting back and waiting.

"He deserved it," Nick muttered stubbornly.

"And you're fit to judge that?"

"It's not just me," Nick cried indignantly. "Everyone said so. Everyone knows he just got what he had coming."

"An eye for and eye and the whole world goes blind, Nick. Is that how you want things?"

"No! That's not… he- I jus… Everyone should just get along. Why can't everyone just be nice?! Why do people have to hurt each other? Why do people have to get hurt?"

Dr. Gravis was startled by the abrupt change in the conversation. They had ceased talking about the fight and were now talking about much more. "You know Nick, I've been working with hurt people for a long time, but I still don't have a good answer for you. I suppose the closest answer I can give you is that most people who hurt others have been hurt themselves; it's a cycle. What I try to do is help people who have been hurt feel better so they won't hurt other people. If everyone who was hurt made a commitment not to hurt others, there would be a lot less pain in the world. Do you understand?"

Nick sat for a few minutes, processing, before he slowly nodded. "I want to go home," he whispered.

Dr. Gravis nodded. "Ok. It's been a hard day. Let's go see your parents."


	24. Chapter 24

Nick was subdued on the way home

Nick was subdued on the way home. The drive was made in complete silence. John unlocked the door and waited until Laura and Nick were in the house before he spoke. "Go to your room, Nick," John said softly. "You're grounded until next weekend."

Nick trudged wordlessly towards his room. Halfway there he stopped and turned. "Um… dad?"

"Yes Nick?"

"I… I'm sorry." Nick stared at the floor.

With a sigh, John quickly crossed the distance and pulled Nick to him in a hug. Nick immediately relaxed into the embrace and returned the hug. John slid his hands up Nick's arms, rubbing at his shoulders briefly before resting his hands on either side of Nick's face. He gently tilted Nick's head up until he could look into his eyes. "I love you Nick. I don't want you to ever forget that. No matter what. I will _always_ love you. Got it?"

Nick blinked back tears and nodded.

"Good." John hugged Nick again and planted a soft kiss on the top of his head. "We'll talk about your grounding after dinner."

"Ok," Nick said quietly, walking to his room.

Nick sat at his desk, fiddling with his pencil and staring at the open book in front of him. He was supposed to be doing his homework but he couldn't concentrate. He kept replaying the events of the day through his head. Looking back, he was surprised at how things had gone at Dr. Gravis'. He never intended to be so open with Dr. Gravis, but somehow Nick didn't feel as upset as he thought he would.

He was definitely confused. Dr. Gravis was right about fighting; Nick knew that if he was honest with himself. But he couldn't help how he felt. On one level, Nick knew he was angry with his father, and that was fueling some of his defiant behavior. But Nick was reluctant to acknowledge that feeling, because he couldn't justify it. At the same time, Nick was angry and frustrated with himself. There were times when he became overwhelmed with unidentifiable feelings, which made him do things he didn't want to do. These thoughts and feelings all swirled around inside Nick's head, but he couldn't verbalize them or even pin them down.

Nick sighed, and half-heartedly did a few math problems. Then he sat back and bleakly contemplated his week of being grounded. He _hated_ being grounded. He supposed that his restriction to the house wouldn't include his visits to Dr. Gravis. Surprisingly, Nick realized he wasn't too upset by this. He didn't exactly like going to Dr. Gravis', but he wasn't dreading it like he did before.

The weekend passed slowly for Nick. Being confined to his room for large portions of both days ground on Nick's nerves and left him in a sulky mood. By Monday Nick was ready to get back to school. He managed to pull himself out of his bad mood and had a good day at school.

Nick even managed to give Dr, Gravis a smile when he came to take Nick back to his office. "So Nick, what's on your mind today?" Dr. Gravis asked when they were both seated.

Nick shrugged, and stared down at the floor. "I think I'm mad at my dad," he said suddenly, unexpectedly.

"Why are you mad?" Dr. Gravis asked, trying not to show his surprise.

"I don't know… I'm grounded."

"So you're mad at your dad because he grounded you?"

"Well… no, not really… not exactly… I mean… I get it. I knew I was going to be in trouble for fighting…"

"So why are you mad?"

Nick sighed and stared back down at the ground. "I dunno," he said finally.

"Ok, for now. But this is something that's important for you. You brought it up. So I don't want to overlook it, I don't want to move on until you're ready."

"I just thought… I dunno. I guess I just… I wanted to say something cause I don't know why I felt that way."

"I'm glad you shared that Nick. Would you like to talk about this some more, maybe figure out why you're mad?"

Nick shrugged, and remained silent.

"Do you think, maybe, you might be mad at your dad because he wasn't there?" Dr. Gravis asked carefully. "Because he left you at home? Do you think it might have something to do with that? It's ok to feel these things Nick, even though you know you don't really blame him."

Nick slowly pulled his knees up to his chest and slid his hands over his ears.

"Nick?" Dr. Gravis asked quietly.

"I don't want to talk about this anymore," Nick whispered.

"All right. We can leave it for now," Dr. Gravis said. "We can come back to it. For now, do you want to play a game?"

Nick nodded, and slid off the chair to walk over to the cabinet where Dr. Gravis kept a small collection of games that they sometimes played. Nick relaxed as they played, and it was with some reluctance that Nick put the game away.

"Ok Nick," Dr. Gravis said as Nick settled back down in his chair. "We've been talking about a lot of different things, but there is one thing we really need to discuss." Nick hunched his shoulders and wrapped his arms around himself. "Nick, I would like you to tell me about the night you went to the hospital," Dr. Gravis paused as he watched Nick's legs come up to his chest. "starting with when your mom came home. Nick relaxed slightly, but he kept his knees pressed tightly to his chest and didn't speak. "What happened that night when your mom came home?" Dr. Gravis asked, to clarify that it was a question that required an answer under their agreement. Dr. Gravis sat back and waited.

Nick put his head down on his knees and watched the clock. Dr. Gravis watched Nick. The minutes slowly dragged by. After ten minutes, Nick risked a glance at Dr. Gravis. "I don't want to talk about it," he mumbled.

"I'm sorry Nick, that's not a sufficient answer. It doesn't count," he explained. "I know you don't want to but you need to. I know it's hard but you can do it. Just tell me what you were doing when your mom came home and go from there." Another period of silence followed. The minutes ticked by. Finally Dr. Gravis glanced at his watch. "Well Nick, it's time for you to go home. Maybe you'll be ready to talk next time. Wordlessly, Nick went out to the waiting room.

He remained subdued that night and the next and before he would have liked, he found himself back in Dr. Gravis' office.

"Nick, last time I asked you to tell me about the night you went to the hospital, starting with what you were doing when your mom came home. We still need to talk about that before we do anything else." The next several minutes went on as they had the previous session; Dr. Gravis watching Nick watch the clock. Finally, Dr. Gravis noticed a slight change in Nick. He drew himself in tighter and stared at the floor.

"I was sitting in my room," Nick whispered. "The lights were off," he continued expressionlessly. "I heard the clock in the hall. It's a real old clock; it belonged to my mom's grandparents. Then I heard the front door open and my mom and sisters got home. Then I heard my mom call my name. She was calling for me and for-" Nick stopped abruptly and went pale. He squeezed his eyes shut and buried his head in his knees.

"It's ok Nick," Dr. Gravis said gently. "If you need to skip a bit you can. What happened after your mom called for you?"

Nick sat silently for a while. Finally Dr. Gravis noticed a lessening of tension and Nick glanced up before speaking. "Mom came into my room. She asked me if I was ok cause I was just sitting there. She thought I was sick. Then Dad came home and came in. they thought I was real sick cause I was just sitting there and not saying anything. Dad said I should go to the hospital, so we went. We waited a long time and then a doctor came and he took me back and…" Nick hesitated, but then went on without prompting. "He did tests and stuff. Then they put me in a room in the bed and my parents came in. I stayed at the hospital a couple of days and then I went home," Nick finished quickly.

"Thank you Nick," Dr. Gravis said. "You did a good job. Can you tell me more about the hospital? What happened while you were there?"

Nick shrugged and was silent. After a few minutes, however, he decided to answer. "The next day I still wouldn't talk to anyone so a woman came to see me."

"What kind of woman?"

"She was a doctor, like you. It was Dr. Z. she talked to me about stuff but didn't ask me any questions or try to get me to talk, not the first day. After a while she did ask questions but they were about my family so I answered. Then she asked me about…" Nick swallowed hard, took a deep breath, and went on, "other stuff. I didn't want to talk about it and the other doctor said I was ok and I could go home."

Dr. Gravis nodded. "Good job, Nick. Now we're going to try something a little different. I'm going to ask you some questions, but if they're too hard and you can't answer them, you can just shake your head ok? But I want you to try really hard to answer them if you can. Understand?"

Nick slowly nodded.

"Can you tell me what happened that night before your mom got home?"

Nick immediately tensed, squeezed his eyes shut, and rapidly shook his head.

"Ok, can you tell me who else your mom called for?"

Another head shake.

"Can you tell me about the tests they ran at the hospital?"

A slight pause, and then a shake.

"Can you tell me why you didn't talk for a while?"

A longer pause, and then a shrug. "I dunno. I just… I couldn't, at first, and then I didn't want to." Nick shrugged again and was silent.

"Ok, that's good for now. Can you tell me about the other visitor you had at the hospital, besides Dr. Z?"

"What visitor?"

"I know a man came to see you. To ask you what happened." Nick didn't respond. They sat in silence for a few minutes. "He was a policeman," Dr. Gravis finally prompted.

It was another few minutes before Nick responded. "He made me mad," he whispered.

"What did he do?"

Nick shrugged.

"Come on Nick, what did he do to make you mad?"

"He wanted me to say my mom had hurt me and that's why I was in the hospital. I got mad and scared and ran out of the room. The doctors made him go away."

"So you didn't talk to him at all? Have you seen him or any other cop since, who has tried to talk to you about what happened?" Nick shook his head. _The benefits of having a lawyer for a father_, Dr. Gravis mused. He was surprised social services hadn't been involved in the case. "Is there anything else you can tell me about that night, or what happened while you were in the hospital?"

Nick was silent for a few moments, then shrugged. "I dunno. I don't want to talk about it."

"Why not?"

"Do I have to answer that one?"

"I would like you to try."

Nick sat for a few minutes. Finally he mumbled, "I dunno."

Dr. Gravis sighed. "All right. You did a really good job today Nick. I'm proud of you. Maybe next time you can answer some more questions."


	25. Chapter 25

A/N: Sorry this is a short chapter and it's been so long since I posted. The next chapter should be up pretty soon. Thanks for sticking with it.

* * *

A few weeks later, late in the evening, Dr. Gravis sat at his desk, going over his files for that day's sessions, and making notes for future use. He stopped when he came to Nick's file. He wasn't quite sure why this particular case was affecting him so much, but he couldn't stop thinking about it. He knew they had made a great deal of progress, but the last hurdle was the biggest and Dr. Gravis wasn't sure how to help Nick over it.

They had been talking all around the subject of Nick's abuse, had discussed in depth the events prior to and after the event, but any time Dr. Gravis attempted to bring up the actual abuse, or anything to do directly with the babysitter, he met a brick wall. He could see Nick's closing down procedure clearly in his mind. First he hunched his shoulders in, then his knees would come up until he could hug them to his chest, then his eyes would go blank as he lost all expression. He stopped talking, and often remained silent for the rest of the session. Dr. Gravis was careful never to ask difficult questions during this time, because he knew Nick could be extremely stubborn, and would most likely sit in silence until Dr. Gravis would have to be the one to give in.

Dr. Gravis also worried that his time was running out. The last few sessions, John had been hinting that he thought Nick was feeling better. He was behaving normally, and everything had settled back to the way it was before, apart from the fact that Nick was sleeping on an air mattress, although it was now in his own room rather than Tommy's. Mr. Stokes had also not so subtly hinted that his insurance wouldn't pay for many more sessions, (classifying it as 'extended treatment' which wasn't covered unless the subject had a classifiable condition) and he wasn't too keen on footing the entire bill himself.

Glancing at the clock, Dr. Gravis rubbed hands over his tired face. Dr. Zaleigus had offered her assistance, but had been busy with her own patients. Perhaps he would give her a call, ask if she had any ideas. She had been the first professional to see Nick after the incident, so she might have some insight. Resolved to make the call the next morning, Dr. Gravis quickly returned to his files. An hour later, he locked the files in his cabinet, turned out the lights, and left.

Nick cheerfully sat in the waiting room the next Thursday. He and his friends had won first place in his science fair, his spring little league team was starting practices, and he hadn't gotten in trouble in weeks. The techniques Dr. Gravis had taught him to keep his temper in check were working, and just last week Marcus had gotten in trouble for bullying, while Nick was praised for not rising to the bait. Also, he knew that his dad was getting tired of bringing him to see Dr. Gravis. He had convinced his family that he was ok, and he had buried his dark feelings deep inside. Nick was convinced that he could keep Dr. Gravis from digging them up long enough for his dad to decide he didn't have to go back anymore.

"Well, you seem to be in a good mood today, Nick," Dr. Gravis said as he led him down the hall.

"Yup," Nick said simply. "My baseball team's gonna go to the championships."

"Really?" Dr. Gravis asked with a smile. "I thought the season hadn't even started yet."

"Our first game is on Saturday, but we got an awesome team. I know we're gonna win."

Dr. Gravis laughed, and stopped outside his office. Nick stopped too, his grin slipping slightly into a puzzled look. "Nick, today is going to be a bit different. There's someone I want you to meet. Do you remember Dr. Z?"

Cautiously, Nick nodded.

"Well, she has arranged, on my request, to have someone come to talk to you." Dr. Gravis watched as the happiness and excitement visibly drained out of Nick.

"Why?" Nick asked quietly.

"You will understand soon. All I ask is that you listen to him Nick. Promise me you will listen."

Slowly, Nick nodded.

"Good." Dr. Gravis put a hand on Nick's shoulder and led him into the room. A young, tall man in jeans and a polo shirt stood up as they entered, smiling nervously. "Nick, this is Mr. Superstes." Dr. Gravis led Nick over to the group of couches, where they always sat during their sessions.

Nick stared warily at the man. He wasn't sure what was going on, but he didn't like this intrusion. No one had ever been in Dr. Gravis' office with him except Dr. Gravis.

"Have a seat, Nick," Dr. Gravis said, sitting down behind his desk. Nick slowly sat down on he edge of the couch across from the man, staring at the floor.

"Hi Nick," the man said, sitting back down. "You can call me Jim if you want. I always feel weird being called mister. Well, my kids call me Mr. Jim."

"You have kids?" Nick asked, forgetting to be sullen.

"Well, they're not mine exactly. I run a camp of sorts, and so, the kids who come to that, they're my kids."

Nick nodded, and slid back a little bit onto the couch.

"Um... so, I..." Jim glanced at Dr. Gravis, who nodded encouragingly. "Uh... Dr. Gravis asked me to come talk to you today. Apparently, we, uh, share an understanding that not many others share, at least not people we know."

Nick automatically pulled his knees up to his chest and hugged his legs, staring at Jim. He wasn't sure where this was all going, but he didn't think he liked it. Why was this strange man here anyway? Why did Dr. Gravis invite him? Nick certainly wasn't going to share anything while the man was here. But it seemed that he wasn't going to be expected to talk. Jim was speaking again, and appeared to be steeling himself for a long speech.

"You see," Jim was saying, "when I was 11..." he stopped for a minute and stared at the floor. "When I was 11, my parents decided to go on their second honeymoon. They left me with one of the neighborhood ladies. She was always nice to us kids, giving us candy and cookies, making lemonade for us in the summer. She has a big yard and she let us play football and baseball anytime we wanted. She was fairly young, I guess, maybe late 20s, early 30s. She mentioned to my parents that she always wanted children, but hadn't yet found the right man to settle down with. She said she would be delighted to have me stay with her for two weeks.

"So my parents dropped me off at her house and went off on a cruise. I thought it was real neat at first. All the neighborhood boys were dead jealous. I guess we all had crushes on her, and even without that she made the best cookies. I thought I was so lucky.... But then..." Jim sighed, taking a deep breath, "then, the second night I was there, she came into my bedroom..."

Nick put his forehead down on his knees and slid his hands up to cover his ears, but he couldn't block out Jim's next words.

"She raped me, Nick. And not just once. Almost every night for two weeks she raped and molested me."

Nick flinched through his whole body, and pressed himself in tighter.

"Nick," Jim said gently, leaning forward. "I know you went through a similar thing. I don't know your story but... I want you to know that I know how it feels. You feel alone and abandoned, like you've been through something no one else in the world could possibly understand. You feel like no matter how many baths or showers you take, you'll never be clean again. You feel like there's this _thing_ inside of you and no matter what you do it won't leave you alone and it just keeps eating away at you, taking away all your happy feelings. I understand Nick. I understand how much it hurts, I understand that it feels like the pain will never go away and it feels like you'll never be the same again. You know what I'm talking about, don't you?"

Jim paused and watched Nick, who had begun to shake. Jim couldn't tell if Nick was crying or not, his face was pressed tightly into his knees, his hands still over his ears.

Nick rocked slightly back and forth, pressing his hands over his ears until it hurt. He wanted this man to stop, he didn't want his feelings spoken out loud, feelings he was sure were private and personal. But now this man was saying them, saying that he had felt that way too, validating them and making them real.

"Nick?" Jim asked, when after a minute there was still no response, other than an increase in shaking. Jim glanced over at Dr. Gravis, who stood up and slowly approached Nick.

"Nick?" Dr. asked softly. "Can you hear me? Are you all right?"

"I'm gonna be sick," came the mumbled reply, seconds before Nick shot into an upright position and bolted to the door.


	26. Chapter 26

Nick made it down the hall and into the bathroom before emptying the contents of his stomach. He continued heaving until there was nothing left to come up, and he was left choking and gasping and sobbing, still clutching the side of the toilet. There was a quiet knock on the door and Dr. Gravis' voice came floating through Nick's haze.

"Nick? Are you ok? Can I come in?"

Nick didn't respond and he barely registered the door opening and Dr. Gravis stepping in. A second later, strong, warm hands were rubbing his shoulders and back, then a solid arm wrapped around his chest, supporting him.

"It's ok Nick, I've got you. Breathe deep for me, take slow deep breaths." Dr. Gravis kept up the slow, soothing litany until he felt Nick begin to relax. When Nick had calmed down enough to take stock of his surroundings, he realized he was sitting on the floor of the bathroom, his back braced up against Dr. Gravis' chest. Dr. Gravis, noticing the change in Nick, quietly said,

"Let's get you a drink so you can rinse out your mouth."

Nick nodded and let Dr. Gravis help him up. He silently accepted the cup of water Dr. Gravis handed to him, and swished the water around in his mouth several times. When he finally straightened up and turned around, he found Dr. Gravis looking at him with concern.

"Are you ok Nick?"

"I think so… I…" Nick trailed off, not sure of what to say. His face flushed and he stared at his shoes.

"Don't feel bad Nick, it's ok. It's not your fault. It happens sometimes, especially when you keep feelings all buried down inside you. They find a way out eventually."

Nick nodded slowly. He glanced up warily. "Do I have to go back in there?"

"I would really like it if you would try, Nick. Mr. Jim has more to tell you. You need to hear the rest of the story. I think it will help. You don't have to talk about anything, but I really want you to listen; it's important."

Nick sighed. There were too many emotions whirling around inside of Nick for him to pin down how he felt about going back to Dr. Gravis' office. It would be simple to just say he didn't want to go back, he felt sick again, he just wanted to go home. But he knew a part of him wanted to hear the rest of Mr. Jim's story, out of morbid curiosity if nothing else. And there was more too it, that Nick just didn't want to think about. "Ok," he whispered.

"Atta boy Nicky," Dr. Gravis said, and Nick felt himself smiling. He remembered several years ago when his dad was teaching him how to hit a baseball one Saturday. He kept swinging and missing, but when he finally connected with the ball, his dad's smile was bigger than his. And that's what his dad had said. 'Atta boy, Nicky.' It had meant that his dad was proud of him. Remembering that, Nick knew he had done the right thing, made the right choice. He had to return, to hear the rest of the story. If you fall off a horse…

Mr. Jim was pacing nervously, looking worried when Dr. Gravis led Nick back into the office. "Are you ok Nick?" he asked as soon as he saw them.

Nick nodded, and carefully resumed his seat on the couch.

"Maybe we should…" Jim started, with a quick glance at Dr. Gravis.

"No, it's all right. Go on," Dr. Gravis said, sitting back down behind his desk.

"Are you sure? I mean, I don't want…"

This time it was Nick who answered. "It's ok," he said quietly. "I'm fine."

Jim took a deep breath. "Ok. Well. Where were we?" He sank back down into his seat. "Umm…" Jim glanced nervously around, still disconcerted.

"What happened?" Nick asked, his voice barely above a whisper. "Did anyone find out?"

Jim sighed, and shook his head thoughtfully. "When my parents picked me up, I was scared to tell them. I finally got up the courage and they didn't, or wouldn't, believe me. They said I made it up, or that it was some preteen boy's sexual fantasy. They told me never to talk about it again. So I didn't. I pushed it away, pretended it never happened. But the pain stayed with me. I blamed it on other things, but I always knew in the back of my mind what the real cause was. I wouldn't admit it to myself, so I tried to come up with ways of coping.

"I became my class clown, always joking around, never serious. I started hanging around with the 'bad crowd'. When I got a little older I experimented with drugs. They lifted me up for a while, but always dashed me lower than when I started. I dropped out of high school. When I was 17 I tried to commit suicide. My parents found me, barely conscious, under the tree outside my bedroom window. The rope I had tried to hang myself with had snapped.

"That event was the final embarrassment for my parents, so they sent me to live with my uncle on a ranch here in Texas. I didn't speak to my parents the three days between when they told me and when the shipped me off. But I was beyond caring about anything, so I left without saying goodbye to anyone. It was good to get away, but my problems followed me.

"My uncle lived alone on this huge ranch, ran it mostly himself with a few hired help. From the moment I got there I loved it. I loved the solitude and being with the animals. But that darkness was still inside me, I could still feel that monster. I kept getting in trouble, almost got arrested a couple times in the local town. Twice I nearly overdosed. Through it all, my uncle never said anything about it, just bailed me out or cleaned me up, or whatever I needed. He was an odd man. I think he knew there was something deeper going on, but he never tried to ask me about it.

"When I was 19 I took my uncle's shotgun and went out on the hill where I liked to sit and watch the animals. I had every intention of killing myself, but then a thought struck me; it wasn't fair. I hadn't done anything wrong. It wasn't my fault. I never wanted her to do that to me. She had stolen my childhood from me, and if I pulled the trigger of that gun, she would have succeeded in stealing my entire life. I couldn't let her do that. I had to break her power over me. So I put the gun down.

"A few months later I checked myself into a mental institution. It was one of the few good ones of its time. I stayed there for almost 4 years, and I received intense therapy and counseling. I stayed there longer than I really needed, because I didn't know where else to go. I was 22, a high school dropout, no job, no skills other than what I learned on the farm. I started helping out with some of the other patients, and by the time I left I was more of an orderly than a patient. A few weeks after my 23rd birthday, I got news that my uncle had died, and he left me his ranch. Two years ago I turned the ranch into a retreat center for abused children.

"It took me nearly 10 years to make the decision to stop the pain, and years more to put my life together. It doesn't have to be like that for you. You can make the choice to not let what happened control your life. It happened, and you have to accept that before there is any chance that the pain will go away."

Nick stared down at the floor and realized that he was crying. He wanted to believe what Jim said, but he didn't want to risk opening himself up. He sat thinking, his head resting on his knees.

Jim sat staring at his hands, lost in his own thoughts. He was startled when Nick finally spoke.

"Will it?"Nick asked in a small voice.

"What?"

"Will it go away?"

"Yes it will. Maybe never completely, but it dulls and fades, gets replaced by other things. Better thoughts and feelings, more important things move in and push it away. But it is also true that you never are the same again. Something like this, it makes a man. It's up to you whether that's a good thing or not."  
They sat in a comfortable silence for a while longer, before Jim stood up. "Well, I need to be going. It was nice to meet you Nick." Nick didn't respond or even move from his spot on the couch. Jim walked over to Dr. Gravis, who stood and shook his hand. They muttered a few words back and forth, then Jim turned to leave. He was at the door, reaching to open it, when he heard a soft voice behind him say,

"Thank you."

Jim smiled. Without turning around, he said, "You're going to be ok Nick."


	27. Chapter 27

A/N- This popped into my head right after I posted the last chapter. It's short but I decided not to wait to post it. It's more than a bit fluffy, a bit of a break after the past couple heavy chapters.

* * *

Later that night, Nick stepped into the living room where his father was watching the news. His mom was cleaning up in the kitchen and his siblings were all in their rooms.

Nick climbed up onto the couch. "Daddy?"

John glanced down at his son and smiled. "What's up Poncho?"

Nick smiled at the nickname. "Umm… would you… would you and mom… would you ever send me away?"

John's eye's flashed away from the television to look at his son. "What?"

"Well, if I ever did something really bad, would you send me away?"

"Of course not Nicky, why would you ask that?"

"But what if it was something _really_ bad and people found out and it made you look bad? What if you were really embarrassed by what I did?"

The news completely forgotten in favor of his son, John turned so he could look fully at Nick. "Nicholas Jonathan Stokes, nothing you could _ever_ do could make me send you away. There is nothing in the entire world _that_ bad or embarrassing. You're my son, Nick. Nothing can change that. Nothing in the universe can make me stop loving you. Nothing. No matter what. Nothing you could do could make me or your mom stop loving you. Ever. Do you understand me young man?" John asked, putting on a mock stern voice.

"Yes sir." Nick grinned.

John reached out and ruffled Nick's hair. "I'd still love you even if you grew up and moved to New York."

Nick laughed. "What if I grew up and played for the Yankees or became a Giants fan?"

John pretended to think about it. "Hmm… that's a tough one… the Giants, huh? I'm not so sure about that."

"Daddy…" Nick laughed, rolling his eyes and pulling at his dad's arm.

John laughed too. "No matter what, I would never send you away or stop loving you."

Nick grinned and snuggled up close to his dad.

"Why the questions, Nicky, did something happen?"

Nick shrugged and looked away. Nick pressed his back up against his father's side and rested his head against John's shoulder. John wrapped his arm around Nick's chest, hugging him close. Nick didn't say anything more, and John let his attention wander back to the news.

One news segment ended and another one started. "Daddy?"

"Yeah, Nick?"

"I knew it."

"Knew what?"

"I really did know you wouldn't send me away."

John smiled and squeezed Nick tighter. "I know Poncho."

A commercial came on. "Daddy?"

"Hmm?"

"I love you."

"I love you too Nicky."

"I know. I'm glad you're my daddy."

"Well I'm even gladder you're my son."

Nick smiled and turned to look at the television. He sat, leaning against his father as the news ended. A rerun of an old show came on, but neither of them moved to change the channel.

When the program ended, John looked down to find Nick asleep. He smiled gently, then reached to turn the TV off. He carefully scooped Nick into his arms and carried his son off to bed.


	28. Chapter 28

AN- Sorry it has taken so long for an update. Life has been busy, not to mention a severe case of writer's block. But the end is in sight! After 8 years I may actually finish a story.

* * *

"Dr. Gravis, can I ask you something?"

"Sure Nick," Dr. Gravis said, surprised. They were playing a game, Nick's choice for their opening activity.

"Is it true, what that guy said?" Nick asked, contemplating the plastic board between them before dropping his checker in.

"Which thing he said?" Dr. Gravis asked, knowing instantly who Nick was talking about. They had not yet talked about their last session at all. Dr. Gravis had been waiting until later in the session, and was surprised that Nick brought it up on his own. He dropped his own checker into the board while waiting for Nick's response.

"When he said… when he said it's my choice… about… about getting better and stuff," Nick replied without taking his eyes off the board. He held his checker tightly in his hand.

"Yes, I believe that is true, for the most part," Dr. Gravis said, trying not to show his surprise at where the conversation was going.

Nick nodded and finally dropped his checker into the board. The game continued in silence. Dr. Gravis won the first game and they started a second.

"It's like what you said before, about acceptance before it gets better." Nick continued the conversation as if they had never stopped.

Dr. Gravis nodded. "That is one of the things I've said, one of the things I wanted you to know, to understand." Dr. Gravis was curious to see where Nick was going with this, but he didn't want to push him. The game continued in silence. Dr. Gravis ignored several opportunities to win, and left open places for Nick, but Nick didn't seem to be paying much attention.

Eventually Nick sat, clutching a checker tightly in his hand, staring at the board. Dr. Gravis waited, having the feeling that Nick wasn't really seeing the board. Finally Nick spoke in a hoarse voice, barely above a whisper. "Dr. Gravis?"

"Yes Nick?"

Nick tore his eyes off the board and looked up at Dr. Gravis, already blinking back tears. "She hurt me," he breathed shakily.

Dr. Gravis sighed, and forced himself to keep from smiling. Finally. Tears began to spill down Nick's face, but he didn't look away. Dr. Gravis immediately came around the table and sat next to Nick, wrapping an arm around his shoulder. "I know she did Nicky. I know."

Nick turned his head to the side, burying his face in Dr. Gravis' shoulder as he continued to sob.

Dr. Gravis muttered soft words of reassurance as he rubbed a hand slowly up and down Nick's back. "It's ok, Nick, it's going to be ok, just let it out. I'm here, you're going to be all right." He continued murmuring gently as Nick sobbed uncontrollably. Finally, as the sobs began to lessen, Dr. Gravis spoke out loud. "Can you tell me about it Nick? Can you tell me what happened."

Nick shook his head rapidly against Dr. Gravis' chest.

"You can do it Nick, I know you can. It feels better doesn't it, to have told me that she hurt you? You'll feel even better if you tell me more. How did she hurt you?" Dr. Gravis pressed gently.

Again, the only response was a head shake. Dr. Gravis could feel the tension starting to build up in Nick's body. He tried one more time. "Nick? Can you tell me what she did to you?" There was no response this time, besides a renewed sobbing. Dr. Gravis let it drop, knowing Nick had taken the first big step. Sometimes, right after the big breakthrough was the best time to get his kids to talk; sometimes, it took more time. Apparently, Nick fell into the latter category.

So Dr. Gravis sat quietly with Nick, offering his comfort and support. Slowly, Nick began to calm down. When the tears finally stopped, Nick started to pull away, then changed his mind and rested his head against Dr. Gravis' shoulder. "I'm tired," he whispered, confirming that fact with a wide yawn.

Dr. Gravis smiled. "I imagine you are. Why don't you wait here while I go get your dad? I want to talk to him for a minute."

Nick nodded, to worn out to argue or ask questions. Dr. Gravis eased Nick back against the couch and carefully stood up.

Out in the waiting room, John looked up in surprise, and then concern when Dr. Gravis appeared. He followed him back into the hallway, where they paused outside Dr. Gravis' office. "Nick's all right. He made significant progress today. He admitted what happened to him, but wouldn't elaborate."

"So... so... does this mean he's ok now? He's all better?"

"Mr. Stokes, as I believe I told you before, your son is never going to be exactly 'all better'. He has begun to accept what happened to him. What he needs from me now are the skills to cope and to move on with his life. I can help him with that, but I think Nick would greatly benefit from long-term counseling. Maybe a support group; that could include the whole family. I can you some numbers."

John shook his head. "No. No, absolutely not. I'm not going to put my family through that. I'm not going to make my son into some kind of... unstable person or whatever who needs constant therapy. My son is not crazy. I thought you said Nick just needed to accept what happened, and then everything would be over. You said that's happened, so we should be done here."

"That's not exactly what I said Mr. Stokes, and of course Nick isn't crazy. And I said that Nick has begun to accept what happened. He told me, 'she hurt me' but would not answer any of my questions about it, or give any details."

"Of course not! He's nine years old! He doesn't understand what happened."

"Exactly. That is why I think Nick and I need more time together."

John sighed. "Well, the insurance will cover four more weeks. After that, I'm not paying for it. You have a month to do whatever it is you feel still needs to be done. After that, I just want my family to be able to move on, and forget this ever happened."

Dr. Gravis sighed. "I understand that Mr. Stokes." He reached for the doorknob. "Nick was pretty emotional after he told me, you can probably expect him to be pretty quiet tonight, maybe even the next day or so."

John nodded and they entered the office to find Nick asleep on the couch, curled up on his side. John smiled. "I'll say he's quiet."

Dr. Gravis allowed himself a small laugh. "He's going to be ok, Mr. Stokes. You all are."

John bent down to pick Nick up, then straightened and met Dr. Gravis' eye. A silent understanding passed between them. "Thank you," John said, then turned and headed out of the office.


	29. Chapter 29

Just as Dr. Gravis had expected, Nick remained quiet that night and the next morning. It was almost dinner time when Nick found himself lingering outside the door to his room. Slowly, he opened the door and stood there, looking in. He stared at his bed, neatly made as it had been for months. Nick felt a panic rising in him the longer he stood there, but he pushed it down. He wavered for a moment, then came to a decision. He ran into the room, took a flying leap, and landed with a bounce in the middle of the bed.

Nick opened his eyes and let out a breath without realizing he had been holding it. He stared up at the ceiling. The world had not ended, the sky had not come crashing down on him, nothing had happened at all. He felt no different. Nick grinned and sat up. He bounced on his bottom a little, smiling wider. Then he scrambled to his feet and was soon jumping up and down on the bed, laughing.

John, attracted by the noise, appeared in the doorway. He stared open mouthed at his laughed, bouncing son for several minutes before he found his voice. "Nicholas Johnathan Stokes! What on earth do you think you are doing?"

Nick, startled by his father's voice, bounced too high and hit his head on the ceiling, landing in the middle of the bed in a heap. Gasping for breath, he sat up and looked at his dad.

"You know better than to jump on the bed," John said automatically.

Nick sucked in a breath and tried to stop grinning. "Sorry dad."

John stared at Nick as the full weight of the scene in front of him hit him. "Nick..."

The smile finally slid from Nick's face, and he looked steadily at his dad, silently pleading.

"Um... it's time for dinner," John finally said.

"Ok," Nick said, grinning again and sliding off the bed.

John stood in the doorway as Nick approached, still harboring a sense of disbelief. Nick stopped in front of him and looked up, clearly trying to gauge if he was in trouble. John shook his head and squeezed Nick's shoulder, unable to keep from chuckling himself. "What am I going to do with you kiddo?"

Nick grinned. "Give me away," he said, giving his standard answer to the rhetorical question before bounding down the hallway.

"Not for the world kiddo, not for the world," John said softly.

* * *

"Nick, today we're going to do something a little different."

Nick scowled at the news and drew himself up tighter in the chair. Those words never signaled anything good.

Dr. Gravis continued, not at all surprised by Nick's reaction. "I don't know if your dad talked to you about it, but we only have a few more weeks together."

Nick looked up in surprise, not sure how he felt about the news. From the beginning he had objected to going to see Dr. Gravis. He had never enjoyed it exactly. Yet at hearing that it would soon be over, Nick was surprised to find himself feeling something close to sadness. He was of course also relieved. His afternoons would be free again and he wouldn't have to worry about making excuses to his friends. Also, he wouldn't have to think about... _that_. "So... I'm all better?"

Dr. Gravis smiled at the oft repeated question. "What do you think? Do you feel all better?"

Nick looked down and shrugged. "That guy... he said you don't really get better, right?"

"That's not exactly what he said. He said the hurt might not ever go completely away, but it gets better."

Nick nodded, but made no move to attempt to answer the original question.

Dr. Gravis went to his desk and came back over with a notebook, pen, and a large manila envelope. Nick looked up at him curiously. "Nick, I know you've had a hard time talking about what happened. I thought it might be easier for you to write about it." Dr. Gravis watched as Nick wrapped his arms around his legs and rested his chin on his knees. "So, I want you to write everything you can remember about that night in this notebook."

"I don't want to," Nick said petulantly.

"I'm asking you to try, Nick. I really think it will help you."

Nick sat for a moment, considering. "Are you going to read it?"

"Not unless you want me to. When you're finished writing, we're going to put it in this envelop and seal it up. Unless you tell me I can read it, in which case I will seal it afterwards."

"You won't show it to anyone else?"

"No. This is for you, to help you. No one else needs to even know about it."

"What's gonna happen to it after it's in the envelope?"

"Again, that's up to you. You can take it with you, or I can keep it here for you, in your file. You can decide when you're done."

Nick nodded slowly.

"Try Nick. That's all I'm asking. Try. I'm going to leave you alone for a few minutes, to let you get started." Dr. Gravis put the notebook, pen, and envelope on the the table, then turned and walked back to his desk.

Nick sat staring at the items on the table. He made no move to pick them up. He made no move at all, except to turn his head to look at Dr. Gravis, who was now sitting behind his desk, not looking up. Eventually, Nick unfolded and sat up. After another minute, he reached forward and picked up the notebook. He flipped through, briefly savoring the smell of new paper and the fresh clean look of the blank pages. Then, remembering what he was supposed to be doing with the notebook, he made a face and tossed the notebook back on the table.

"I'll be right back, Nick." Nick looked up to see Dr. Gravis standing by the door. Nick cautiously nodded, and Dr. Gravis left, closing the door behind him. Nick stared at the closed door, wondering what Dr. Gravis was up to. When it became clear that Dr. Gravis wasn't coming immediately back, Nick turned back to the table. He picked up the pen with a small smile. In school they still used pencils. His teacher said they couldn't use pens until fifth grade, when, hopefully, their writing became more legible. His teacher was big on penmanship.

Ten minutes later, when Dr. Gravis walked in, Nick was sitting on the couch, notebook in his lap, doodling on the inside cover. He walked over and sat down across from Nick. "No luck?" he asked.

Nick started, and quickly closed the notebook.

Dr. Gravis laughed. "It's ok, Nick. Why don't you try writing something easier, like about your day at school. Then you can get used to writing and ease into the harder topics."

"Ok," Nick agreed warily. Dr. Gravis went back to his desk and Nick hesitantly started to write. By the time the session was over, Nick had almost a full page about his day, but was no closer to writing about the real topic. The same was true about the next few sessions. Nick wrote about innocuous topics that Dr. Gravis dictated, while Dr. Gravis either sat quietly nearby, or at his desk, or occasionally left the room.

On their last day, Nick took his notebook and pen as usual, and waited for his topic. He had almost convinced himself that he had forgotten the real point to his writing, when Dr. Gravis spoke. "I want you to write about that night, Nick." Dr. Gravis noted Nick's panic stricken look and added, "Why don't you start about that day at school, or when you got home from school. Write about what you remember starting from there. This is our last day together Nick, and I really want you to be able to do this. To show me that you're going to be ok."

Nick smiled at that. "I'll try," he said, more serious.

"Good."

Slowly at first, haltingly, Nick began to write. Dr. Gravis watched Nick from his desk. He saw Nick begin to get into the flow of writing, becoming more and more absorbed into the task. He got up and walked to the door. Nick didn't stop writing or even look up as Dr. Gravis left the room. Dr. Gravis went in and out of the room three times in the following 45 minutes, and Nick continued to write. Dr. Gravis left again to talk to John and postpone his next session, then came back in to sit at his desk and watch Nick.

Dr. Gravis was still watching Nick half an hour later, when Nick looked up, blinking, and took a deep breath, with the expression of a diver surfacing from the water. "All done?" Dr. Gravis asked softly, coming around to squat down next to Nick. Nick slowly turned to look at him with a slightly unfocused gaze.

"Huh?"

"Are you finished writing?"

Nick nodded slowly, and closed the notebook.

"Do you want to seal it up, or would you like me to read it?"

Nick thought for a moment. "You can read it, but not until later, ok? Not 'til after I'm gone."

"Ok, Nick. Let's put it in the envelope for now, and I'll seal it up after I read it."

Nick slipped to notebook into the envelope and watch as Dr. Gravis closed it and put it on his desk. "I don't want it," he said suddenly.

"What?"

"I don't want it," Nick repeated. "You keep it here. I don't want it."

"Ok, Nick. That's fine. If you ever change your mind, you let me know."

Nick nodded and stood up. "Thanks," he mumbled.

"You're welcome Nick," Dr. Gravis said, guiding Nick towards the door.

Nick stopped suddenly, and looked up. "I'm never going to see you again," he whispered.

Dr. Gravis smiled sadly and knelt down in front of Nick. "I thought you were happy to have your afternoons back."

"I know. But I'll miss you."

Dr. Gravis brushed the hair from Nick's face. "I'll miss you too. You're a great kid. But things end and new things begin. Your coming to see me is over, but your healing in here," Dr. Gravis said, tapping Nick's chest, "on your own is just beginning."

Nick nodded, blinking back tears.

"Good-bye, Nick."

Nick wrapped his arms around Dr. Gravis. "Thank you," he mumbled into Dr. Gravis' chest.

Dr. Gravis stood up and Nick stepped back. Dr. Gravis led Nick out of his office and watched as Nick made his way down the hall. "Nick!" Dr. Gravis called, just before he reached the waiting room. Nick turned to look at him. "You're going to be ok."


End file.
